Apr01

Your April Fool’s Fratoscope

by tonyd on April 1, 2018 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You find out about your surprise birthday party, but April Fools!  It’s your Intervention!

Aries:  Your ex will share numbers on public Facebook posts and ask you to guess what they are!  April Fools!  They’re your pin numbers and credit card numbers!

Taurus:  You’ll be on time for your job interview, but April Fools!  Your roommate drew dicks on the back of your suit jacket!

Gemini:  Your car will be full of packing peanuts as a prank, but April Fools!  Upon closer examination, they’re actually marshmallows that melted together in the sun!

Lemini:  You and your date decide to take your relationship to the next level, but April Fools!  Herpes!

Cancer:  You find your wallet in the foods, but April Fools!  That’s just the bait for a hillbilly rape trap!

Leo:  You’ll enjoy a delicious free barbecue in a supermarket parking lot, but April Fools!  The guy barbecuing is the same guy that picks up roadkill for the state!

Virgo:  You’ll emerge from your coma after many months, but April Fools!  Donald Trump is president!

Libra:  Someone’s left delicious, buttercream chocolate eggs in fridge at work, but April Fools!  They’re not for you and they’re fill with warm mayo!  At least you hope it’s mayo!

Scorpio:  You finally had sex with that hot food server at the diner, but April Fools!  It was a joke condom meant for display only!

Sagittarius:  You finally decide to sign up for that free yoga class, but April Fools!  You’ve joined Scientology by mistake!

Capricorn:  You build a robot that’s self aware to serve humanity, but April Fools!  All it does is get high and play Call of Duty all day!

Aquarius:  You finish your degree in Philosophy, but April Fools!  You have to work at Starbucks so you don’t starve!

Pisces:  You’ll finally get a date on one of the dating sites, but April Fool’s!  It’s a sex doll, but she’s still too high maintenance for you!

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Mar31

Ten Things I Expect From Bill and Ted 3

by tonyd on March 31, 2018 at 12:01 am

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 3 is coming.  Here’s what I expect:

  1.  Alex Winter’s agent will be extremely happy.
  2.  Ted goes back in time so that his daughter picks a cheaper college.
  3.  Bill goes back in time so that he gets the prostate examine he desperately needed.
  4.  Halfway through the movie, Keanu Reeves forgets where he’s at and shoots everyone John Wick style.
  5.  Bill and Ted go back in time and rewrite the second movie.
  6.  Dr. Who shows up and sues them for stealing his phone booth thing.
  7.  Alex Winter goes back in time and stops himself from making Freaked.
  8. Keanu Reeves goes back in time and relives his awesome life a second time.
  9.  Brian and Stewie replace Rufus and repair the time machine in act 2.
  10.  Everyone will remember the first two movies as being much better than they actually are.
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Mar30

Rewritten Headlines: Worst Sex Doll to Worst Milkshake

by tonyd on March 30, 2018 at 1:38 am

Worst Sex Doll Ever

All the Dudity You Can Handle

Sticky House Soon to Be For Sale

Ozzy Did It Better

Jethro Tull’s Fan is Hardcore

Doctors Find Nothing

Beginner’s Luck

Zero Stars

Beginner’s Luck Again

Worst Milkshake Ever

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Mar28

Twitter in Focus: Anthony Daniels

by tonyd on March 28, 2018 at 12:40 pm

Wow, so out if it, I actually posted this on The Webcomic Factory by mistake!

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is a man who plays a robot, Anthony Daniels!  AKA: C3PO!  Let’s see what he’s tweeting!

@ADaniels3PO

January 29th:  “THIS COULD BE YOURS …”

Ka-ching!  That’s gotta be worth at least a couple of Tie-Fighter.

February 20th:  “Peggy Clercq had vanished in Brussels before I could thank her for her stunning card and silk art celebrating another Big Day for me. I’m often amazed at the creativity shown by SW fans. But this one, I’m taking personally. If you know where to find Peggy, please let me know. 72!”

Wow, that’s pretty impressive.

March 4th:  “Sadly, I can’t join you at the Oscars to receive the LIFETIME IN METAL Award, due to trekking in Nepal at this time (bad timing?) But not sure the GOLDEN ONE is known here – they have other things to worry about. But well done everyone who is up there in LA. MTFBWUA. Next year???”

What you need is a remote controlled C3PO and you can just sit in your Nepal tent controlling it with your iPad.

March 4th:  “Come to think of it, here: I’m 13hrs 45mins hours ahead of LA. I could just make it for the GREAT EVENT. In an anorak. But tuxless, they wouldn’t let me in, would they. Is anyone else nearly 14 hrs ahead of LA on this planet? With a spare tux? Call me.”

Man, you think they would’ve emailed you ahead of time or something.

March 4th:  “Oh. Err. Um. No problem. Obviously, my invitation got lost in the SNOWS OF ENGLAND. But I’m warm where I am. And happy.”

Don’t sweat it.  They cut Adam West from the death reel.  I mean, c’mon!

March 4th:  “Thanks for all the offers of spare tuxes/dinner jackets and rides and dates and… everythings. As always, Star Wars fans are the best, so I am not alone tonight. The Force is with me. And so are YOU. XX”

Aw, that’s sweet.

March 6th:  “Inquiring minds want to know so.. So far, in every sense of the word, seething Mumbai, astounding Ajanta, palatial Udapur, impressive Jodpur, sandy Ikaner, pink Jaipur, packed Agra & breathless Katmandu. So to Pokhara, all by trains and planes. From now on foot. Better…on feet.”

If you’re wearing the robot suit, it must take you forever to get around.

Okay, let’s rate Anthony’s tweets.  I give him a 6 for Mustness (he’s a busy droid), a 7 for Insanity and, of course, a 10 for style.  That’s an overall score of 7.6, but I’m bumping it up to a proper 9.  Follow Anthony.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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