May04

Rewritten Headlines: Blockbuster Dick to Ultimate Batman

by tonyd on May 4, 2018 at 12:01 am

Blockbuster Dick

Worst Break Ever

People From New Jersey Still Not Fat Enough

Your Vacation to Skin Cancer

Dude Really Had to Go

Police Probably Recover Two Million Dollars

Dude Really Enjoys Chili’s

Florida Still Florida

Guy Doesn’t “Get” Prison

Ultimate Batman Born

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May02

Twitter in Focus: Joe DeVito

by tonyd on May 2, 2018 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is comedian Joe DeVito.  Let’s see what he’s tweeting!

@JoeDeVitoComedy

April 27th:  “Some people book shows just so they can hang out with comedians, if you can imagine a human that lonely”

Zing!  I picked this Twitter account for some good one-liners.  Off to a good start.

April 27th:  “Deeply conflicted about my new cult where members give me their $$, live on an isolated compound, and let me have sex with their wives & daughters. So keep the beard or no?”

Don’t be crazy.  You can’t lead a cult without a beard!

April 29th:  “SUNDAY! 7:00 show at the Brokerage in Bellmore, Long Island”

He’s on the road.  Doing funny stuff.

April 29th:  “THIS WEEK! NYC / NJ / Long Island / radio / online / in ya face”

Wow, he’s working hard.  See, I can’t do the same jokes night after night.  Look at all these shows.

April 30th: “MONDAY! from 5-6pm — then some stuff that’s frankly none of your business — …AND THEN Club NYC 9:00 show”

What?  Everything’s our business on Twitter.  That’s the deal.  The NSA knows it and you know it!

April 30th:  “If we can’t afford a wall with Mexico, just use yellow police tape. Everyone knows you can’t cross that”

And blood splatter.  Usually goes along with the tape.

April 30th:  “Trying to lose weight by peeing on your own stomach? THIS WAIST TRAINER CAN HELP YOU ”

Well, that would gross me out and I wouldn’t eat, so…

8 hours ago:  “ME: hey great hanging out w you last night HER: thanks. whos this ME: WOMAN I DROPPED YOU OFF AT 11:30 ON A WEEKNIGHT ”

Yeah, been there.

2 hours ago:  “If I performed at the White House Correspondents Dinner I’d be too focused on my free meal”

Yeah, me too.

Pinned Tweet:  “Listerine kills 99% of bad breath germs, while enraging the remaining germs & increasing their killing power 10,000 fold”

You’re just slowly killing yourself with fresh breath.

Okay, let’s rate Joe.  Good one liners, minimal plugs.  I would give him a 9 for Mustness, a 7 for Insanity and an 8 for Style.  Overall score of 8, follow Joe.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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Apr30

Fat Guy Eats: Mr. Sushi All You Can Eat

by tonyd on April 30, 2018 at 12:01 am

Restaurant: Mr. Sushi All You Can Eat

Address: 2117 RT-70 W, Cherry Hill, NJ, 08002

Food:  All You Can Eat Sushi

Price:  Good

Portions:  Unlimited

Taste:  Meh

Service:  Good

Atmosphere:  Average Sushi Restaurant

I’m a big fan of All-You-Can-Eat Sushi, but it’s hard to find a place on a Saturday night.  Most of the places I hit are good sushi places that do it the day before they toss the fish, so the quality there is higher.  Plus, they make normal sushi all week and don’t change anything for the special.  The problem with the places that always have the special is that they tend to rig the food based on that.  So naturally you get extra rice on your nigiri and just extra rice and starches in general.  It is to be expected and the place was crowded when we arrived, so we took that as a good sign.

Mr. Sushi, however, seemed to do that too much for my taste.  The Sushi cheesecake, was mostly rice, even if it did have white tuna and eel.  Some of the fish wasn’t that fresh.  They did have a good salad and most of the cooked sides were good.  I thought the dumplings were a little stale.   Our waitress was on point and kept refilling our drinks and didn’t rush us out, even when we sat and talked for 20 minutes after the food was done.

Basically, the sides were good, but the sushi was so-so in my view.

I give Mr. Sushi 7 out of 10 keggers.

kegkegkegkegkegkegkeg

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Apr29

Your Fratoscope: April 29, 2018

by tonyd on April 29, 2018 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You birthday gifts will all come from the same gas station gift rack.

Aries:  Your dream of it raining pizza rolls is realized when your microwave explodes.

Taurus:  You’ll realize the monkey that offered to do your taxes was actually scamming you.

Gemini:  A homeless guy will give you a dollar and tell you to get some new clothes.

Lemini:  You’ll be asked to stop trying to use words like “ethos” in your sentences.

Cancer:  The firing range will ask you to leave because your screaming “Pew!  Pew-Pew!” over the shots is distracting to the other shooters.

Leo:  You’ll find yourself sexually attracted to a snow cone machine.

Virgo:  You’ll discover that restaurant won’t take the money you print, no matter how much extra you offer for a tip.

Libra:  Your dance battle will go poorly, leaving six dead and several dozen wounded.

Scorpio:  You’ll find a way to use a bookmark sexually.

Sagittarius:  Your barbecue consultant quits abruptly leaving you with partially cooked rib tips.

Capricorn:  Your fencing class will be forced to defend a lady’s honor and fight a bunch of pirates.

Aquarius:  The stars say never give up your dreams because other people need someone to laugh at.

Pisces:  The porn reviewers will call your new porn script derivative.

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