If your birthday is this week:  Your other personalities pick the worst theme for your surprise birthday party: isolation.

Aries:  Someone will replace your soft serve ice cream with chemical tasting foam.

Taurus:  You will lose your pants at the supermarket again.

Gemini:  Your gambling addiction finally pays off so you can concentrate on your drug addiction.

Lemini:  Your school rejects your scholarship application because they do not consider “douchebags” a minority.

Cancer:  You will be ejected from a fancy party because of your ziplining entrance.

Leo:  The raccoons in your trashcans go on strike and demand that you throw healthier food.

Virgo:  You will win a kick in the ass from Russel Crowe during a movie contest giveaway.

Libra:  Marvel Comics rejects your story proposal because their characters almost never spend an entire issue waiting in line at Chipotle.

Scorpio:  Your Lego sex doll causes you to severely chafe.

Sagittarius:  You will text a new love, but autocorrect creates a sentence where you compare their genitals to a goat’s.

Capricorn:  You’ll wake up on an Amish farm, chained to a butterchurn with everyone referring to you as “Jebediah”.

Aquarius:  The IRS asks you how much blood is currently in your body and assures you there’s no reason for the question.

Pisces:  You accidentally sell some crack at the yard sale and now your one neighbor wants you to have a yard sale every day.