If your birthday is this week: You birthday burrito will be full of candy and your birthday pinata will be full of spicy meat.
Aries: You’ll regret eating that third pint of ice cream for breakfast.
Taurus: You’ll realize too late that you’re the only person that screams out the ingredients when you read them in the supermarket.
Gemini: This week, prepare for a deluge of criticism on your rap song about waffles.
Lemini: A co-worker will fill your unguarded boots with oatmeal.
Cancer: Your date will put on a bad disguise half way through dinner and attempt to leave the restaurant.
Leo: You will gain spider powers, but they will only activate while you’re asleep.
Virgo: You’ll be fooled by several children in a overcoat to sign over the deed to your house.
Libra: Your farts will become so intense, they’ll stink in the not-too-distant future.
Scorpio: All the people you had sex with on Craiglist show up for the reunion orgy.
Sagittarius: Your mailman will challenge you to a duel.
Capricorn: You’ll discover that your goldfish is a racist.
Aquarius: You accidentally drink a surprising amount of pee this week.
Pisces: The Pokemon turn the tables on your and trap you inside a large, multicolored ball.
