My Internet is out and I’m doing this over my phone and it’s a holiday, so forgive the brevity. Gotta get this out because my Internet provider (which rhymes with “Bombast”) can’t seem to get it’s shit together in a storm. So here’s Ten Things You Shouldn’t Do on Labor Day.
1. Serve non-alcoholic beer without telling your guests.
2. Hire a Santa for your barbecue.
3. Put ketchup on a hotdog. (If you do this, you are worse than Satan and Hitler.)
4. Close your pool before the weekend.
5. Make your employees attend your party.
6. Hold your Groundhog Day movie watching party, because that’s the wrong fucking day.
7. Get so drunk at your own barbecue that you forgot that you invited people over.
8. Go to the beach and spend the day inside.
9. Kill a bunch of people.
10. Celebrate at work.
If your birthday is this week: Raccoons will jump out of your enormous, fake birthday cake, not to wish you a happy birthday, but because the rental place has a raccoon-sized hole in their storage unit.
Aries: You will discover that physically beating up your opponent in Clash of Clans is frowned upon by local authorities, although it is satisfying.
Taurus: Your Labor Day Weekend will end sometime after the traffic jam starts to thin out.
Gemini: The stars say, stop laughing at your own jokes. It’s creepy.
Lemini: Your prosthetic hand arrives in the mail, but you’re unable to open the package.
Cancer: You’ll finally beat your score on Galaga.
Leo: You will be drunk registering for classes and accidentally change to a Ballet-Engineer Double Major.
Virgo: You will be struck in the side of the head with a delicious scone.
Libra: This week, cash in your favor with a friend or else you’ll never get a handjob this week.
Scorpio: Your discount energy does not come, despite your repeated sexual encounters with the meter reader. Plus it turns out, that’s just a guy pretending to be a meter reader.
Sagittarius: You’ll listen to nothing but Joe Walsh and Bob Scaggs this week.
Capricorn: The NSA will send you an email this week requesting that you please be more interesting while they monitor you.
Aquarius: Kick up your game, you’re going to meet a lot of interesting singles in the county lock up this holiday.
Pisces: Your ninja throwing star business cards aren’t very effective at marketing, but they do annoy the shit out of people.
Your pledgemaster may not know what day it is and may have had a undeclared major for seven straight years, but he sits in judgement of all. Bow before his judgement!
Ice Bucket Challenge: Not Very Fratty
Is this really more about the charity or giving yourself attention. This was good for about five minutes, now it’s just kind of annoying. Get off your fucking wallet and stop making videos.
I just discovered how delicious this shit is! Cut one up and make a sammich! It’s health fat! Finally!
Denny’s on Wall Street: Not Fratty
They opened a Denny’s on Wall St. and made it expensive. That’s the opposite of Denny’s. I’m not paying those prices for hangover food.
Putting Cameras on Cops: Very Fratty
It’s long overdue, bros. If the cops want to watch us 24/7, it’s time we start watching them. Then maybe I won’t get fined for vomiting on a campus cops shoes. I was drunk and he clearly put them in the line of fire!
iWatch: Fairly Fratty
Okay, I’m a little wary about the tiny screen but, shit. My phone already does so much! I think the watch is going to be sweet.
Tracy Morgan: Always Fratty
Get better, bro.
HIV in Adult Film Star: Least Fratty Thing Ever
WTF? Porn Industry? Have you not heard of condoms yet? This is more depressing than what happened to Robin Williams.
Returning to College: Fratty
Load up your mini-fridge and get registered. The sooner you do that, the sooner we can all get drunk.