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Rewritten Headlines: Starbucks to Predator Drones
on January 27, 2012 at 12:01 amPosted In: News, Rewritten Headlines
Time for the news you can use, Rewritten Headlines! News filtered for your pleasure.
Real: Starbucks Coffee Shipped 100 Million K-Cup Packs at Late 2011
Rewritten: Nation Can’t Sleep, Doesn’t Know Why
Real: Sajak: Vanna and I Drank Between Tapings
Rewritten: Viewers Not the Only Ones Bored With Wheel of Fortune
Real: Scientists Take Another Step Toward Creating Cloak of Invisibility
Rewritten: Scientists Spending Too Much Time Reading Harry Potter
Real: Senate to Look at Congressional Insider Trading Bill
Rewritten: Senate to Laugh at Congressional Insider Trading Bill
Real: How Wearing High Heels Regularly Can Ruin the Way You Walk: Even After You Take Them Off
Rewritten: Strippers Ruin the Least Important Part of Their Bodies, Says Study
Real: New Drone Has No Pilot Anywhere, so Who’s Accountable?
Rewritten: United States Builds Terminator Prototypes
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is Jim Rash, the Dean on Community! And if you haven’t seen Community, you’re missing out, it’s awesome. Jim is up for an Oscar for the screenplay The Descendants. Let’s see if his Twitter account is Oscar-worthy.
December 7th: “Worth a 2nd RT @TheAVClub: new PSA featuring the cast of #Community asks for help 2 “Save Greendale” #greatjobinternet http://avc.lu/vdA9V1”
Again, watch Community. It’s cool.
December 7th: “U SOB. U gave me the wrong address! RT @joelmchale: @TheSoup welcomes almost the entire cast of #nbccommunity! Except 4 @RashisTVUgly(lazy)”
Whoops. Well, at least you won’t have to pay the SOPA fine for that one.
December 8th: “Get ur musical on! ALL NEW #COMMUNITY! @TaranKillam guests! Steal Nielsen boxes & attach them 2 ur TVs! This is a great plan! It WILL work!”
Well, technically since I’m stealing cable, I’ll have to connect it to my neighbor’s TV.
December 15th: “Thanx 4 GG shout outs! Overwhelmed/excited! & congrats 2 @octaviaspencer! Couldn’t have happened 2 sweeter, more giving person! & talented!”
If you haven’t seen The Descendants, here’s my review.
December 15th: “”Thank u, my friend!” said Jim. “Mmmm. Yummy, yummy. Ur my kiss from a rose” said Dean Pelton. @joelmchale “A huge wet sloppy congrats…”"
I think that has to be the first time I’ve seen someone switch in and out of character in one tweet.
December 17th: “Found this n pocket 2day. Reminds me I party hard AND these jeans r filthy. http://pic.twitter.com/a6MKg0l8”
Nice to see the whole cast support one another.
December 22nd: “Whoa. Just saw coverage of the #Community flash mob n NYC! Once again… best fans! #sixseasonsandamovie!”
A Community movie would be the shit. You got Chevy, so mojo box office there.
December 22nd: “Was told LA empty over holiday. So far peeps still here! Go! I want 2 drag race thru empty streets & have shopping montage n deserted mall!”
Empty L.A.? Much like its soul.
December 27th: “Forgot to send out my holiday card… http://pic.twitter.com/3Mdlc1ns”
So weird to see the Dean with hair.
December 27th: “Grow, hiatus beard, grow! http://pic.twitter.com/JLVtiUhS”
Hiatus beard? Hmm, maybe that could be my excuse why I don’t shave.
January 1st: “Yes! Made it into an ” #unfollow!” Only 1st day of new year and done with my resolutions!”
Unfollow? Well, we must reverse that trend, bros.
January 3rd: “Had a blast doing a Pop My Culture popcast yesterday! Thanks @pmcpodcast @colestratton http://www.popmyculturepodcast.com/?p=2762”
The link is still good, check it out, bros.
January 7th: “When a song called “Funkorgy” is followed by Scenes From an Italian Restaurant on ur ipod mix, u better believe u have what it takes 2 DJ.”
Do mental hospitals have DJ’s?
January 9th: “An exorbitant amount of personal pillows & blankets on this flight. Coupled with dirty sweatpants, I know this plane is riddled w bedbugs.”
Tell the TSA guys to pick them off.
January 13th: “Thanks 2 my #Community family. Their love & support is immeasurable. 2nite they proved that even more. #sixseasonsandamovie”
Worst case scenario, you guys start a new show with all different characters. You could all switch personalities. That would be kind of cool. Maybe a good episode of Community, now that I think about it.
January 15th: “Limo 2 GG with my friend Meaghan…. http://pic.twitter.com/2y1Kvh07”
Cool, pics at the GG. Nice date!
January 15th: “Red carpet…. http://pic.twitter.com/OuHwrfqt”
Wow, up to the minute pics. Make sure you get one of Ricky Gervais insulting you.
January 16th: “Me and my sis… Post GG http://pic.twitter.com/KQmtbVSg”
Aw, that’s nice, you brought your sister.
January 16th: “Thanks for the kind #Descendants tweets! Had a blast at GGs last nite. And, this morning, back @ #Community.. Drunk and belligerent.”
I think you’re a lock for the Oscar, Jim.
January 16th: “Me, @benfalcone, & Dustin all concur. Something’s amusing. But, check the woman n distance. Her migraine begs 2 differ. http://pic.twitter.com/mY8xPqbd”
In her defense, that’s a lot of star power to process.
January 21st: “Preparing for real subtle character work @sfsketchfest with fellow Groundlings… http://pic.twitter.com/l8nnDb1e”
You are to wigs what Clark Kent was to glasses.
9 hours ago: “Whoa. Overwhelming! Thank u all 4 the Oscar tweets! Now, what 2 wear? Lady Gaga, Tina Turner, the “flat Ba-Roque” guy…?”
The Dean is back.
9 hours ago: “Gotta love a morning of “congrats” emails mixed with spam from Stanley Steamer! I can get $25 off carpet cleaning, ya’ll!”
That’s a good price, but I’d wait until after your Oscar party.
Okay, let’s rate the Dean’s tweets. Major points for behind-the-scenes stuff, which I enjoy. Pretty funny and relatively current, considering his hectic schedule. I give Jim Rash an 8 for Mustness, a 9 for Insanity and a 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 9. You must follow the Dean!
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
Ten Apologies You’ll Never See
on January 23, 2012 at 3:38 amPosted In: News, Ten Things You'll Never See
Tony D’s Ten Things You’ll Never See
10: Janet Jackson for the boob flash at the Super Bowl: Since she maintains that it was a “wardrobe malfunction” she’s never really going to apologize, but who could forget that day? I think we were all traumatized. Will we ever get justice for being exposed to a 38 year-old breast? Fortunately, there are plenty of 20 year-old breasts bouncing around that can erase that fateful night from your mind. Thank you Internet. You’ll never have to apologize.
9: The Wachowskis for The Matrix 2 and 3: C’mon. Don’t you think it’s time?
8: Bill Gates for Windows Vista: For me, this system was kind of like the Neanderthal of operating systems. I never missed Windows ’95 so much.
7: Tiger Woods for anything: Seems like he’s good at apologizing. Maybe someone off this list should hire him.
6: O.J. Simpson for ruining the Naked Gun movies: His bit in those movies used to be funny, now all I can think about is Johnnie Cochrane and those gloves.
5: MTV for ruining the phrase “Jersey Shore”: If you’re going to do a show about the Jersey Shore, then at least focus on people from New Jersey. It’s not all fake tans and Axe body spray.
4: Paula Deen for making people fat: Seriously, if you’re going to deep fry everything in butter, you ought to mention the health risks or eat a raw carrot once in a while.
3: George Lucas for the Star Wars prequels: I still maintain they don’t exist.
2: Barack Obama for bailing out failed auto companies: Shitty American cars are shitty enough. Don’t encourage them to make more.
1: Dick Cheney apologizing for destroying America: Dick Cheney strikes me as one of those guys that doesn’t apologize for anything, let alone something that big. I’m pretty sure that if he ran over your cat, then got out of his car and peed on its twitching corpse on national TV, he’d still find some rational for not apologizing to you. He just seems like that kind of guy.
If your birthday is this week: You will find forbidden love in a Pizza Hut bathroom and give new meaning to the phrase “stuffed crust”.
Aries: You will participate in the “Scared Straight” program because of criminal behavior and learn an important lesson. Jail is a great place to network if you’re a criminal.
Taurus: This week, your baked potato will slap the fork out of you hand and run away screaming, “Flee! Flee!”
Gemini: Your unholy experiments with potato with freak out a Taurus.
Lemini: You will discover that your Tea Party friends are against gay marriage, but surprisingly open to gay sex.
Cancer: You will arrive in Mordor six weeks late with reinforcements. The volcano is all yours now.
Leo: The stars say, stop picking at it. Seriously, you’re grossing the stars out.
Virgo: You will be sued by your imaginary friend for neglect.
Libra: You will lose a Scrabble game on the word “funyun”. You should’ve challenged.
Scorpio: You will burn yourself in a sensitive area. Perhaps it’s time to stop your insane quest to make a great egg frittata while having sex.
Sagittarius: You will win a Mercedes full of salmon.
Capricorn: Newt Gingrinch will chew you out over the phone for not voting for him.
Aquarius: This week, you’ll be the asshole that can’t park between the lines.
Pisces: Paula Deen will call you and tell you that she no longer wants to buy your Reese’s Pieces Casserole recipe.