Welcome to Twitter in Focus, where media comes to die! Today’s contestant is no stranger to dying, the literary grim reaper himself, George R.R. Martin!
Let’s see what he’s tweeting before GoT comes back on the air.
Badass Avatar Pic!
August 12th: “Ducky says “read more books” – -photo by Chris Close-
And now it’s time for that prickly purveyor of wisdom…
The king of the Caryophyllales-Cactaceae…
Ladies and gentlemon’, the great Señor Cactus!
(translated by Mistah Shit)
Trolled in Trenton:
Dear Señor Cactus:
Why is everyone on the Internet such an asshole? Shouldn’t we be using this awesome technology to communicate better and share ideas?
Martin, 23, Trenton
Dear Sensitive Pussy Baby:
Cactus say, “First!”
Now go fuck yourself.
Liar in L.A.
Great Señor Cactus:
My girlfriend just constantly lies about everything. Where she is, who she’s seeing and especially about her ex-boyfriend. She even lies about stuff no one cares about. Like what TV show she watched or what she ate for breakfast. What the Hell do I do with this compulsive liar? She’s still pretty hot.
Maxwell, 19, USC
Dear Pretty Little Liar BF
Cheat on her, mon! If she lyin’ to you, then she probably assume that everyone lies to her anyway. Bang her and bang whoever else ya can. Why not? If she catch you, just act like lying is perfectly natural. It’s not like you gonna marry a liar, right? Liars don’t have relationships, because you can’t have a relationship with a liar. Whatever she say means nothing anyway. You should be thanking her! She just gave you a “cheat on me all you want” card.
Down in Detroit:
Should I be worried that ISIS is going to behead me? And I’d like my answer in the form of a song, please.
Billy M., 25, Detroit
Dear Neck Protector:
Cactus say, “He no performin’ monkey. He a proud, dignified cactus advice columnist. You want a badly made up song sung by a plant, watch American Idol.”
But yeah, you’ll probably gonna die. Cactus don’t read the news, cause he got no eyes and Mistah Shit is so high sometimes, I don’t know what day it is. But I’d say the chances are about 50/50 you’re gonna lose a head or at least a foot. Definitely a pinky toe.
Top Heavy in Texas
Hey Señor Cactus:
My name’s Melissa and I’m a tall, curvy girl with huge breasts. I wear a triple H cup size. My breasts are so large, they sometimes hurt my lower back. Guys don’t take me seriously and I often find their eyes just drift down to my cleavage where they never leave. I’m considering surgery to get them reduced because I’m tried of being treated like I’m a walking pair of breasts. What do you think?
Melissa, 21, U of T
Dear Cup Runneth Over
Cactus say, you look at this all wrong! You want to be taken seriously by a man, you gotta think like a man! If a man had your cans, he wouldn’t hesitate to wave them around as a distraction to get what he wanted! If Mistah Shit had your sweater puppies, he’d never get a speeding ticket again!
In fact, Mistah Shit will take it upon himself to make you his protege! You email me your phone number (and a few pics so I can see the problem up close) and we will get together so I can personally instruct you on the best ways to be taken seriously. Mistah Shit is willing to work all night with all the alcohol you can drink until we figure out the best course of action!
If you have a questions for Señor Cactus, email here.
If your birthday is this week: Your grandma stops by to wish you a happy birthday and, as always, to make sweet love to your frat brothers.
Aries: You’ll finally take that long shit you’ve been dreaming about.
Taurus: Call your blimp mechanic this week, there is a bigger problem than you originally thought.
Gemini: You will be kidnapped by aliens and anally probed, although not at the same time.
Lemini: The forensics come back negative. It turns out, it was your fingerprints on the deer, but not your semen.
Cancer: Your YouTube channel begins to get negative views.
Leo: The stars say, close your curtains when you get dressed or lose some weight.
Virgo: You decide to double check your deep frier after finding raw french fries inside your puppy’s doghouse.
Libra: This week, start a new project. Your old project escaped anyway.
Scorpio: You will either have sex with a mascot worker or just the costume, depending on how drunk you are.
Sagittarius: Your attempt to ride a half-pipe goes pretty good considering you’re driving a Honda at the time.
Capricorn: You will punch at least three other players during your next golf game.
Aquarius: You will discover a terrible new ice cream flavor called “candle wax”.
Pisces: You will find pancakes on your front lawn after the storm and they will be delicious.
1. Why don’t you just fill my bowl with treats instead of doling them out one at a time?
2. Why don’t you just leave the door open so I can leave when I want?
3. Why do you make me leave the room when you look at porn?
4. Why do you keep throwing out the garbage when that shit smells so good?
5. Did you ever try and lick your own crotch? It’s pretty awesome.
6. Why is your food cooked and prepared and my food looks like dried rabbit pellets?
7. Why do you keep leaving?
8. Who are those other dogs I hear barking in the distance?
9. What do those God damned squirrels taste like?!
10. Can you pet me now? x 1,000,000,000