Your pledgemaster may not have a degree or a major or anything resembling a sensible GPA. But he is the pledgemaster and from his chair of beer cans he passes judgement upon you!
Rudy Giuliani: Not Fratty
The Weather: Fratty, but Fucked
What the Hell weather? 70 degrees in November. Don’t tease me like this! It’s like being at the strip club without money!
Uber: Fairly Fratty
Hey, you ever take a cab? I’d take my chances any day of the week to save five bucks. What the Hell cabbies? Like I’d know if you’re the cabbie or the serial killer that just murdered you.
Shit Bus: Fratty
There’s a bus in the U.K. powered by poop. Oh, glorious science, thank you!
Robot Cops: Not So Fratty
It’s already had enough for me to talk my way out of a parking ticket. I’m not a chick. I don’t have cleavage to flash. Well, I do, but who wants to see that? I’m against these robots. That’s just what the dean would love to have on campus watching me!
The Hunger Games: Not Fratty
I’m so sick of this movie and I bailed after the first one. I don’t think even Jennifer Lawrence boobs could save it.
Bill Cosby: Not Fratty
WTF, Jello Pudding? How many more women are going to come out? What makes it worse, I always thought he was always so high and mighty.
Oh, what? We can’t wear shirts now? You gotta be fucking kidding me. One hipster scientist wears a shirt you don’t like and you go bananas ladies? Jesus Christ, get a grip.
Delta Tau Delta: Fratty
Honoring a deceased bro with charity fundraiser is classy, bros. Very classy. After so much negative press about frats this week, it’s good to hear something nice.
If your birthday is this week: As always, your birthday gifts will be thrown into a heap while your family gorges themselves on turkey. Sorry.
Aries: You’ll realize that there are no sandwich Elves, you just like to get really high right around lunch time.
Taurus: Having your youngest cousin stuff the turkey turns out to be a bad idea unless you like stuffing made of Matchbox cars.
Gemini: For your behavior the previous year, you’ll be demoted to the kids table and not be allowed to drink.
Lemini: You will meet the love of your life on a stroll around your block, unless you live in Buffalo. In that case, you’ll watch a news story about someone freezing to death in the snow.
Cancer: Your car keys are in your other jacket.
Leo: The stars say, carve the turkey, don’t stab it and scream, “Die! Die! Die!”
Virgo: One of your guests becomes severely injured at the table, mostly for suggesting to serve ham next year.
Libra: Your turkey is raptured and you’re all forced to go to McDonald’s.
Scorpio: It turns out your invite was really to stuff an actual turkey, not a sexual suggestion. You’ll be forced to put all your S&M gear back in your car.
Sagittarius: You’ll pass a town ordinance forbidding Christmas decorations until after this week and will be unanimously re-elected to mayor.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll realize you cannot deep fry a turkey using the trunk of your car as the pot, but you can get your trunk lining extra crispy.
Aquarius: Your pilgrim guests will be offended by everything you do and especially your buckleless hats.
Pisces: You will reconnect with the medical staff that pumps your stomach after dinner every year. They’re doing well.
1. Moldy Bread and Old Celery
2. Expired Mayonnaise
3. Pickles n’ Dirt
4. Gum From Under Chair
5. Postage Stamp Glue and Penny
6. Garlic and Sneeze
7. Sun Dried Dog Food
8. Boiled Street Sock
9. Freezer Burned Carrots and Mummified Cricket
10. Parchment and Bacon Grease