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If your birthday is this week: Your new platoon leader likes your so much, he gives you a promotion. That is, assuming you think sensual massages on demand is a kind of promotion.
Aries: You will discover that just because you qualify as a sniper in the Army, some little shit on Xbox live can still kick your ass in Call of Duty.
Taurus: That insurgent that escaped the building your guarding sends you another picture from Bermuda. It looks like he’s having a nice time.
Gemini: The stars say, don’t worry about those civilians you bombed. Turns out the payload you dropped was actually hollow canisters that your crew was using to stash porn.
Lemini: The bad news is, you’ll be stop-lossed and sent back to active duty. The good news is, you’ll be part of a Pentagon boondoggle called “Operation Naked Cheerleaders”.
Cancer: You will be reprimanded by your C.O. for using a predator drone to find your lost car keys.
Leo: You mom’s care package is full of crumbs again. Maybe you should stop referring to the guy who handles your mail as “Specialist Douchebag”.
Virgo: You will discover that you can’t get out of the Army for being gay anymore, but the gay sex you did have gets you that promotion.
Libra: You will have such a bad week on patrol, the Taliban will send you a “Thank You” card.
Scorpio: This week, you’ll discover that while host an orgy isn’t technically against regulation, it is difficult to sustain the mood during a firefight.
Sagittarius: Your C.O. will nickname you “Private Puddin’”.
Capricorn: You medic will take the time while patching you up to tell you about his screenplay. Be nice.
Aquarius: You will find out that Osama is already dead. The guy you shot was just delivering pizza.
Pisces: Turns out the Navy is an adventure, especially when you borrow one of their ships to go sightseeing for the weekend.
Ten Updates You’ll Never See on Facebook
on May 19, 2012 at 12:01 amPosted In: News, Ten Things You'll Never See
On many days, Facebook could be named Failbook but there are some depths that not even Myspace users would sink. Here now are Ten Updates You’ll Never See on Facebook.
1. I just got my PhD!
2. Just took down my baby pictures. Apparently, they were annoying everyone.
3. Games? There are games on Facebook?
4. I just opened an account at Friendster!
5. You’re right. I probably should use entire words and grammatically correct sentences. Gosh, I must’ve sounded like an asshole in my last post.
6. Is there a way to contact more people I knew in high school but never really wanted to talk to?
7. This is such a horrible porn site. Takes me forever to masturbate to these pics.
8. I just opened an account at Klout!
9. Gosh I love the privacy settings, so easy to use!
10. My Facebook stock is way up!
Rewritten Headlines: Dale Earnhardt Jr. to Robot Arm
on May 18, 2012 at 12:01 amPosted In: News, Rewritten Headlines
It’s the Rewritten News! Headlines without tact! Now welcome your Rewritten News Team!
Real: After Dark, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Goes to Walmart
Rewritten: Rich Hillbilly Still Likes Cheap Tube Socks
Real: Healthy Food Doesn’t Have to Be Expensive, USDA Insists
Rewritten: USDA Employees Have Way Much More Time to Cook Than Most People
Real: Coffee Linked to Lower Risk of Death
Rewritten: Being Wired and Pissed Off Good for You
Real: Facebook Co-Founder Fires Back at Senators’ Accusations
Rewritten: “Fuck Off,” Says Rich Guy to Congress
Real: After Media Clash, Romney Shows Reporters Warmer Side
Rewritten: GOP Android Still Trying to Prove He’s Human
Real: Biden Stumps at Washington Count Barbecue Joint
Rewritten: Politician Pretends He’s Not Better Than Everyone Else for a Short Time
Real: Rare Tyrannosaurus To Be Auctioned in Chelsea
Rewritten: Nicholas Cage Soon to Blow a Shitload of Money
Real: U.S. Redefines Afghan Success Before Conference
Rewritten: U.S. Still Using George Orwell’s 1984 as Blueprint
Real: San Francisco Bay Area City Puts Soda Tax on November Ballot: Money Would Go To Fight Obesity
Rewritten: Gays Not a Fan of Love Handles
Real: Paralyzed Woman Moves Robotic Arm With Thought Alone
Rewritten: The Future Looks Bright for Masturbaters
Hey Bros!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is an It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia alumn, Kaitlin Olson, AKA: Sweet Dee. She’s funny on the show, let’s check out her tweets.
February 2nd: “New Unsupervised on tonight! #UnsupervisedFX”
An awesome show if you haven’t caught. Kaitlin voices Carol, the stepmom that always gets high.
February 2nd: “Holy shit! Troops! Did you even know about this?? Was it all worth it, or WHAT!? http://pic.twitter.com/2jVrA1vH”
I’m guessing only some of the troops are really going to want that.
February 13th: “When did Ted Danson join our cast?@ponnyc: @ the Philly tattoo convention this week end and I bought this sunny art: http://lockerz.com/s/183420675”
Zing!
February 24th: “More rocket tits on #UnsupervisedFX tonight.”
So far, I think my favorite episode is the one where Joel thinks his brother is gay.
March 11th: “I know, I’m sorry. Just 9 months pregnant. Very similar. @PhDHoffmann: @kaitlin_olson I was worried you died. You need to tweet more.”
Can’t tweet a lot during pregnancy. Or your baby will grow up only saying things in under 140 characters.
March 26th: “Aww! Thank you! @cerisehorne: @kaitlin_olson took a dump in my purse today….thought of you!”
Classic sunny episode. Who Pooped the Bed?
March 26th: “You should get a load of me real-vomiting @innuendo141: @kaitlin_olson there is something unsettlingly sexy about the way you dry-vomit.”
That kind of reminds me that Kaitlin had a reoccurring role on Curb Your Enthusiasm. Now THAT would be an interesting crossover.
March 27th: “Baby due in 5 days, my son has a bad cold, I’m on crutches and I just got a piece of quinoa in my eyeball. Cut the shit, God.”
Wow, that sounded like such a Sweet Dee line.
March 30th: “No, it’s me @Wendinator3300: I’m upset that for these new Mio energy commercials theres 1 w/an ostrich and @kaitlin_olson isn’t playing her.”
Now why isn’t there an IMDB for commercials?
March 30th: “Aww..that would have been nice. @blackjeebus: @kaitlin_olson I want to be the first black man in ur butthole.”
Damn. The IASIP fans don’t pull any punches. Or have any tact apparently.
April 9th: “Leo Grey McElhenney..born April 5th after 23 very very long hours. We’re in love. http://pic.twitter.com/bgv0ouKb”
Awww.
April 18th: “Brothers… http://pic.twitter.com/Bnqz3fjk”
Born into a show business family. I give it two years before they both have movie deals.
April 29th: “The word “epic” has worn out its welcome.”
And somehow “awesome” has not.
May 11th: “I get that he’s doing a Dave Matthews thing, but I sure would like to hump that Phillip Phillips.”
But like Dave Matthews, he’d probably get really annoying after awhile.
May 11th: “If you have kids who are picky eaters, go download my friend’s new app LaLa Lunchbox on iTunes…it’s only 2 dollars, don’t be an asshole.”
My brother was a picky eater and now his kids are. Justice.
May 13th: “Happy Mother’s day @mamamelinda ..thank you for teaching me patience, selflessness, and live without limits. I owe it all to you. Xx”
Wow, Kaitlin goes from nice to trash mouth to nice in just one tweet.
3 hours ago: “The woman next to me @ the dentist’s is filling her medical form out loud so we can all be very impressed with her wide range of problems”
That totally sounds like the beginning of an IASIP episode.
Okay, let’s rate Kaitlin’s tweets. Normally, I’d have to give her a 5 for Mustness, but I’m awarding a bonus off 3 for continuing to tweet during pregnancy, so that’s an 8. Style is an 8 and Insanity, I’ll have to go with a 9. That’s an overall score of 8.3. C’mon. You gotta follow Kaitlin.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.