Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die. Today’s contestant is the artist behind the Image comic, Chew, Rob Guillory. If you haven’t read Chew, you should. Let’s see what Rob’s been tweeting when he’s not drawing.
October 28th: “Magic in fiction always feels like a cop-out to me. At least give me something plausible. Like Gamma Rays. Or being born with magnet hands.”
Or a face that shoots fire. Because then the guy could be like, “What happened? Did I hit anything? I can’t see because of all the fire.”
October 28th: “If I was Dr. Strange, I’d probably try plugging the Eye of Agamotto into a Game Genie cartridge at least once. Just to see what happens.”
Yeah, I could see that.
7 hours ago: “Yesterday’s Internet: “MARVEL SO ANTI-DIVERSITY.” Today’s Internet: “MARVEL MADE MY PANTS WET WITH DIVERSITY.””
The next day’s Internet, “Diversity Marvel Diversity”.
7 hours ago: “For the sake of fairness, I feel like the Inhumans movie has to be directed by an actual Inhuman. Michael Bay: YOU GOT THE JOB.”
The man just likes things awesome.
7 hours ago: “I just want one line in the Black Panther movie where T’Challa talks about Wakanda’s sister nation, Zamunda. With an Arsenio Hall cameo.”
Wait, is Arsenio playing the Black Panther? Oh, right, from Coming to America.
7 hours ago: “I like when comics are part of a Multiverse, because it makes it easy for me not to buy them ever.”
But you’ll miss part 29 of 143!
6 hours ago: “My favorite DC Multiverse is the one where all the superheroes are pies. Earth 3.14159.”
Mmm, delicious multiverse.
6 hours ago: “Sony’s Projected Superhero Slate: 2016: SINISTER SIX 2017: FEELINGS OF REGRET ABOUT TOBEY MAGUIRE 2020: SELL SPIDERMAN TO MARVEL, DEAR LORD”
2022: Stan Lee Cameo: The Movie!
Okay, let’s rate these tweets. Rob is pretty funny and he certainly knows his comics. I give him an 8 for Insanity, a 9 for Mustness and a 10 for Style. That’s an overall score of 9. Follow Rob and read Chew.
And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
Braux Pas: Do You Know Where You’re Going To?
written by Tony DiGerolamo
So, I don’t know why this keeps happening to me and maybe I’m the only one, but— This weekend, I didn’t do a comic book convention. Although this seems to happen to me at comic book conventions a lot, but bear with me.
My brother-in-law was in this crossfit competition that his gym was throwing. A food vendor backed out at the last minute and he asked if I would help out and cook hamburgers at the event. Sure, why not? I like cooking and we thought we could make some quick cash.
So I’m at the grill, just like I’d be at a comic book convention table somewhere. We were in a parking lot outside and everyone once in a while a car would stop right in front of me and the grill. The driver would roll down his or her window and ask, “Do you know where X is?” Now this happened at least three times during the course of the day and it was completely obnoxious and a Braux Pas.
First, these assholes would just stop right in front of my grill. I was clearly selling hamburgers and every second they had their God damned SUV in front of me, I wasn’t selling hamburgers. I was talking to some lost asshole.
Second, the gym (like the inside of a comic book convention) was in a very busy area. Now in this busy area, there are plenty of places where you can stop and get directions. In a convention, the place to get them is at the front door, to ask one of the many staff or to look at the fucking convention guide and figure out where your target artist is located. In this case, on a busy highway in North Jersey, there were gas stations, rest areas with maps, GPS in a car or GPS on a phone. So with all these available options, these lost assholes are clearly too lazy or too impatient to even think of the more direct way to get the answer they want.
Finally, the way they ask for directions. It’s that tone of voice like they’ve been looking and they’re in a hurry and you should be in a hurry too because of that. Like at the convention, a guy who really has to go to the bathrooms walking up, without say “Hi” or “Excuse me” or anything, just walks right up and says, “You know where the bathrooms are?” Really quick and impatient. A tone that really says, “You, hurry up and tell me where the bathrooms are.”
Now I am making hamburgers at a fucking grill, underneath a tent. There’s also a table, paper plates, ketchup and a sign with prices of the hamburgers. Plus we had coolers of beverages. Nowhere underneath my tent did it say, “Hamburgers and directions.” Plus there were a lot of other people in the parking lot there for the crossfit competition. Competitors (mostly) and spectators— But these three assholes wouldn’t ask any one of them because they weren’t working. Since I’m working, deep down these assholes know I won’t tell them “No”. I’m vulnerable, since I’m in need of sales. I can’t afford to alienate anyone, including some lost asshole in an SUV, so they pick on me.
Fortunately, each time I was asked, I could say, “I’m not from around here.” Which is basically saying, “How the fuck should I know where that thing is you’re looking for? Get the fuck away from my grill please.”
Bros, this is the 21st century. If you get into a vehicle, especially if you’re in NJ (the second most densely populated state in the country), and you don’t know where you’re going, fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking question, you lazy fuck. Look it up on your phone or don’t leave the house without a Google map in your hands. Because the next asshole to stop me, while I’m standing behind a grill or a comic book table, and ask me for directions is going to get lied to. I’m going to making up some ridiculous fucking directions for you to follow.
And I hope you follow them straight up your own asshole.
If your birthday is this week: Your friends throw you a masquerade birthday party, but it’s really just a way to get double usage out of their costumes before Halloween.
Aries: You’ll knock on a door, a woman will scream “Trick!” and punch you in the face.
Taurus: You will discover that passing out random items that didn’t sell at your yard sale, is an excellent way to clear your basement on Halloween.
Gemini: While attending a Halloween party as an Ebola patient, you will be whisked away in a ambulance and quarantined for 21 days. Still, nice costume.
Lemini: Take pride in your work, the cops sure won’t when they find the bodies.
Cancer: The stars say, that “Sexy DMV Clerk” really isn’t all that sexy of a costume.
Leo: When the light shines just right on your angel costume, everyone can see your junk.
Virgo: This week, you’ll be mugged by a group of kids that take their Sons of Anarchy costumes a little too seriously.
Libra: You will find that when TP’ing a neighbor’s tree, you shouldn’t use the toilet paper first.
Scorpio: You may want to reevaluate your wardrobe. No one notices that you’re in costume when you show up dressed as a prostitute.
Sagittarius: While dressed as a cop at a Halloween party, a government official will give you a bazooka and tank.
Capricorn: No one appreciates the authentic cadavers you borrow from the medical school for your house decorations.
Aquarius: The Great Pumpkin will arise out of the pumpkin patch and ask to borrow your car.
Pisces: You’ll surprise a group of kids about to egg your house on Mischief Night and score two dozen free eggs.