I can’t stop playing this fucking game. It’s so simple, yet…so maddening. I may need rehab. But here are the Ten Things I Learned from Clash of Clans.
1. Dragons have no sense of direction.
2. Lightning potions are incredibly unfair when you’re trying to store black elixir.
3. Pink elixir is almost useless after you’ve been playing the game a few months.
4. Everyone with an asymmetrical, weird shaped fort is a dick.
5. I never have enough gold!
6. Dropping a potion in the wrong spot is worst thing in the world to happen.
7. Archer towers are genius at targeting when I’m attacking them, but idiots when defending my castle.
8. If I raid a castle every 30 minutes, I can hit about 32 castles in a day or 40 if I only sleep four hours.
9. Everything but goblins, barbarians and wall breakers are too expensive to use, but I’m upgrading them all anyway.
10. Tapping on the screen harder does nothing!
Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die! Today’s contestant is Robb Wells, one of the genius behind Canadian TV phenom, Trailer Park Boys. And if you haven’t seen Trailer Park Boys, you’re a fuckin’ idiot. Let’s see what Robb’s tweeting.
18 hours ago: ““@bonzibuddy64: @realrobbwells Can’t wait to see Randy’s balls!”
Hope you’re not disappointed, haha.”
Robb has a lot of fans and he answers quite a lot of them back. Needless to say, Trailer Park Boys and Robb’s new movie, Swearnet, is my kind of humor.
And speaking of funny, the mascot of Swearnet is a superhero called Swearman. Also genius.
13 hours ago: “Get ready fuckers…”
Get to your Netflix account and watch this funny, funny shit.
I too recommend a good binge watch. Draw the blinds, turn off your phone— Live in the Trailer Park Boys world for a day. And you’ll probably want to be really, really high.
Plus the first seven seasons, plus four movies. You’re going to need a ton of weed.
If you’re a fan of the show, no doubt you’re already reading the tweets in Ricky’s voice. The Swearnet thing looks really fun. I hope it does well for them. Bubbles looks totally different in that movie.
Okay, let’s rate Robb’s tweets. Definitely a 10 for Mustness, a 9 for Style and a 9 for Insanity. Don’t know how he keeps up with it all! That’s an overall score of 9.3, one of the highest in a while. Follow Robb and watch Trailer Park Boys.
If you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.
Step 1: Return from kegger already wasted.
Step 2: Decide that you are too drunk to leave, but too sober to pass out.
Step 3: Find package of boneless chicken in fraternity fridge. Vow to eat said chicken.
Step 4: Get out frying pan, poor way too much oil in it.
Step 5: Turn on burner.
Step 6: Realize you’ve placed the frying pan on the wrong burner.
Step 7: Grab red hot frying pan handle that was over the burner you turned on, drop pan.
Step 8: Scream obscenities while washing burned hand under faucet.
Step 9: Slip on oil which is now all over the floor and hit head against sink.
Step 10: Curse and pass out on floor.
Step 11: Wake up 20 minutes later, slip attempting to get up.
Step 12: Roll out of oil and stumble into bathroom.
Step 13: Forget whether you had to vomit or shit in bathroom. Sit on bowl and vomit in bath tub.
Step 14: Abandon oil soaked shorts and underwear on bathroom floor, stagger to frat brother’s bedroom by mistake.
Step 15: Pass out on frat brother’s bed.
Step 16: Wake up to sound of fire alarm and frat brothers screaming.
Step 17: Walk out into smoke-filled hallway, deny you were making chicken.
Step 18: Go outside, wait for firemen.
If your birthday is this week: Your birthday cake will be molded in the shape of what you love most: a cake.
Aries: Your attempt at authentic Texas BBQ is uncovered when your dinner guests find the Arby wrappers.
Taurus: The stars say, isn’t about time you stop believing in horoscopes and start calling the psychic hotline like a normal person?
Gemini: The man at the Home Depot will assure you that building a robot wife will require more PVC pipe than is currently in stock.
Lemini: Totally shitty week coming up, just like every other week.
Cancer: Your affair with your Gemini neighbor’s robot wife is uncovered after your allergy to PVC pipe gives you away.
Leo: The voice at the McDonald’s Drive Thru will yell far more threats of violence than is normal for ordering a bacon cheeseburger.
Virgo: Your 4th level Elf Ranger dies from a hit from an Orc despite his +2 Mace and +1 Ring of Protection.
Libra: Someone on Xbox Live calls you a well-mannered fellow that’s pleasant to talk to.
Scorpio: Banging that pastry chef only gets you a 10% discount on danishes. Next time, have sex with the Sous Chef.
Sagittarius: Although that valet appears courteous, he rubs his balls all over your steering wheel for no reason while you’re at dinner.
Capricorn: The others valet think you don’t have the guts to complete a dare, but you’ll show ‘em!
Aquarius: Kevin Spacey will star in your parody video about House of Cards just for the exposure and a package of Twinkies.
Pisces: Your dog will whisper the secrets of the Universe to you, but you’ll be too busy screaming about the steaming pile she left on the carpet.