If your birthday is this week: You will receive advice from elderly relatives and once you thank them for it, they will immediately say, “Ha-ha! That counts as a gift!”
Aries: A new life is just around the corner because that’s where the kidnappers are hiding.
Taurus: Don’t fall into the same old traps, fill in that pit in front of your back door.
Gemini: The dating site returns your money and suggests Pornhub for you.
Lemini: The stars say, you can save money and time by building your casket this week. Don’t ask why.
Cancer: You’ll be set up by the cops
Leo: You will binge eat your weight in hoagie.
Virgo: You will get a massage from a random person on the bus.
Libra: The computer in your car will suggest you drive to a clothing store and buy something more grown up to wear.
Scorpio: This year your event, Shave Fest, will remove more pubes than all previous Shave Fests combined.
Sagittarius: You’ll discover peanut butter and candy sandwiches.
Capricorn: You may want to ease up on your drinking, even the mosquitos that bite you get hungover.
Aquarius: You’ll realize it’s too late to start a Hollwyood Sexual Harassment pool.
Pisces: You have three more weeks before the Halloween candy runs out and your acne clears.
