If your birthday is this week:  The woman that jumps out of your cake reminds you that you have child support payments this month.

Aries:  A stranger will make you an enticing offer, but you decide that having a Mercedes isn’t really worth losing a kidney.

Taurus:  Your fortune teller isn’t very good.  No one is going to meet two guys named Jack and three kings.

Gemini:  You’ll know you’re getting old when a boy scout attempts to help you across the street toward the hospice center next to the cemetery and the ancient history museum.

Lemini:  You’ll find a perfectly preserved Hot Pocket in a sports jacket in the Thrift Store.

Cancer:  The stars say, don’t leave Santa cookies, leave him a clean bathroom to use.

Leo:  A Claymation family will move into your neighborhood.

Virgo:  You will accidentally eat several pieces of a Monopoly game.

Libra:  You’ll be halfway through a feature when you realize you walked into the wrong theater and are watching the wrong movie.

Scorpio:  Your new fetish will involve trying download an app while waiting in a long bank line.

Sagittarius:  You’ll wake up from a bender and realize you were on an episode of Drunk History.

Capricorn:  The barista will spell your name “dickhead”.

Aquarius:  The cop that pulls you over just wants to know who put your highlights in.

Pisces:  Your cookie to sandwich ratio will even out this week.