If your birthday is this week: Your parents hire an Ace Ventura: Pet Detective lookalike for your birthday, but it turns out to actually be Jim Carrey.
Aries: You’ll find a note in your old turkey pen that says, “This year, for my brother…you!”
Taurus: You’ll get into a wrench fight at the hardware store.
Gemini: The stars say, take down those fucking Christmas decorations and wait for goddamned December!
Lemini: Zombies steal your car and very slowly drive it away.
Cancer: You’ll get that tune stuck in your head. You know the one.
Leo: You’ll fall down some stairs in the rhythm of your favorite reggae song.
Virgo: Work will be a mix bag, mostly because you work in a supermarket and you can’t separate every grocery item or you’ll be fired.
Libra: You won’t win the lottery, but you won’t lose at collecting bits of paper with your favorite numbers.
Scorpio: Your fetish for saying racists things during sex continues to get you in trouble this week.
Sagittarius: Look on the bright side of your terrible cooking skills, you make awesomely hard cookie-sized projectiles.
Capricorn: A Kiss of Death will turn into Heavy Petting of Death, a Blowjob of Death and eventually a long relationship with someone in the Mafia.
Aquarius: Tomorrow will be a rollercoaster of anger, a log flume of disgust and a bumper cars of stupidity.
Pisces: You will foil a mass shooting at a food court, but still be forced to bus your own tray after it’s over.
