If your birthday is this week:  The stars say, suck it up for another two weeks, because no one is buying you two big presents in a month.

Aries:  You find out the fish that got away has turned the tables and is hunting…you.

Taurus:  You discover what the phrase “turn the tables” really means and realize you’ve been wasting time moving furniture to get your revenge.

Gemini:  The ghost of Tom Clancy explains that he doesn’t have the cheat codes to any of the video games with his name in it.

Lemini:  The stars say, you’ll run into an old school chum.  Well, his picture anyway on a wanted poster in the Post Office.

Cancer:  You will be sensually aroused by a gyro.

Leo:  You will ignore the honor system at the photocopier in the office supply store.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll be interrupted by an unusual amount of CGI.

Libra:  No matter how hard you try, no one will have change for your twenty this week.

Scorpio:  The stars say, the cops will never let you finish having sex in a subway car.

Sagittarius:  Your car will be stolen by the Hamburglar during one of his burger heists.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll realize you have too much on your plate, but that’s only because you don’t want to make a second trip to the buffet.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover that you’re allergic to golf.

Pisces:  You will reap the wind and patent a reaping machine by selling your surplus of wind.