If your birthday is this week: The Super Moon will turn you into a Super Werewolf with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal werewolves.
Aries: You come back to your place to find it trashed and you learn an important lesson: never rent your apartment out to a pope.
Taurus: The stars say, your dog wants to go out again to smell his own poop.
Gemini: You will win a dart game on technicality.
Lemini: You’ll accidentally misdial and call the Fortress of Solitude. Superman threatens to eyebeam you from space if you call again.
Cancer: You will stumble across an Amish Instagram account.
Leo: You may have a drinking problem since you’re using basketballs and trashcans for your beer pong game.
Virgo: You’ll discover that your secret fetish is waiting in line at a deli.
Libra: Your attempt to sue your way into the Olympics will fail.
Scorpio: You will discover that your recycle center will not accept used condoms, even if washed out.
Sagittarius: This week, you’ll find the body. All it took was using conditioner in your hair.
Capricorn: Communication between you and a family member will be difficult until they remove your gag and restraints.
Aquarius: Matters of the heart will go extremely well today as the surgeon reattaches your left ventricle.
Pisces: You’ll get two prizes in your cereal box: a toy and the watch belonging to someone that works at the cereal factory.
