If your birthday is this week:  The Super Moon will turn you into a Super Werewolf with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal werewolves.

Aries:  You come back to your place to find it trashed and you learn an important lesson: never rent your apartment out to a pope.

Taurus:  The stars say, your dog wants to go out again to smell his own poop.

Gemini:  You will win a dart game on technicality.

Lemini:  You’ll accidentally misdial and call the Fortress of Solitude.  Superman threatens to eyebeam you from space if you call again.

Cancer:  You will stumble across an Amish Instagram account.

Leo:  You may have a drinking problem since you’re using basketballs and trashcans for your beer pong game.

Virgo:  You’ll discover that your secret fetish is waiting in line at a deli.

Libra:  Your attempt to sue your way into the Olympics will fail.

Scorpio:  You will discover that your recycle center will not accept used condoms, even if washed out.

Sagittarius:  This week, you’ll find the body.  All it took was using conditioner in your hair.

Capricorn:  Communication between you and a family member will be difficult until they remove your gag and restraints.

Aquarius:  Matters of the heart will go extremely well today as the surgeon reattaches your left ventricle.

Pisces:  You’ll get two prizes in your cereal box: a toy and the watch belonging to someone that works at the cereal factory.