If your birthday is this week: The Spiderman hired for your party arrives with a huge boner.
Aries: You should stop putting money into the Christmas Club you opened at that Greek bank.
Taurus: You will arrive early for a meeting and find everyone in the conference room reenacting dance moves from the movie Footloose.
Gemini: You’ll cheat at Monopoly, then confess, but your three cats won’t understand.
Lemini: You’ll invent the hamburger sundae.
Cancer: You’ll cook a meatball the size of a bowling ball.
Leo: The stars say, be on the look out for opportunity because someone is willing to bang you for $40.
Virgo: You’ll run into Bill Cosby at a party and he’ll assure you that he’d never want to give you a pill. Ever.
Scorpio: You’ll try and bang Bill Cosby voluntarily.
Sagittarius: You’ll order a personal pan pizza and the toppings will spell out the words, “Fuck you!”
Capricorn: You’ll give a customer a surprise on his next pizza.
Aquarius: Due to a clerical error, you’ll be inducted into the Green Bay Packers Hall of Fame.
Pisces: You’ll eat your weight in potato chips and then vomit your weight in potato chips.
