If your birthday is this week: You friends tell you that your presents are on their way, assuming they don’t get outbid on ebay.
Aries: You find out that your obsession with Chinese fortune cookies doesn’t technically count as a gambling addiction.
Taurus: Your cat learns how to use your remote and, for some reason, he loves House Hunters.
Gemini: The stars say, for the last time, Jon Snow is dead. Get over it.
Lemini: This week, expect a lot of travel as you will be kidnapped.
Cancer: Your roommate decides to force you to play “Guess where I hid your car keys” after he leaves for a three-day vacation.
Leo: You’ll discover that your pet tarantula is a racist.
Virgo: The NSA requests that you stop making so many calls and emails, since you are too boring for anyone to want to monitor.
Libra: You’ll know you hit rock bottom when the roaches in your apartment spell out the words “Clean up this place”.
Scorpio: You’ll make sweet love to an amusement park ride.
Sagittarius: The stars say, you’ll never be alone as long as that parasite stays in your colon.
Capricorn: Donald Trump will turn down your invitation to Cinco De Mayo 2016.
Aquarius: You will be struck by an errant Bocce ball.
Pisces: You’ll be given sandwiches, hundreds of sandwiches.
