If your birthday is this week:  You friends tell you that your presents are on their way, assuming they don’t get outbid on ebay.

Aries:  You find out that your obsession with Chinese fortune cookies doesn’t technically count as a gambling addiction.

Taurus:  Your cat learns how to use your remote and, for some reason, he loves House Hunters.

Gemini:  The stars say, for the last time, Jon Snow is dead.  Get over it.

Lemini:  This week, expect a lot of travel as you will be kidnapped.

Cancer:  Your roommate decides to force you to play “Guess where I hid your car keys” after he leaves for a three-day vacation.

Leo:  You’ll discover that your pet tarantula is a racist.

Virgo:  The NSA requests that you stop making so many calls and emails, since you are too boring for anyone to want to monitor.

Libra:  You’ll know you hit rock bottom when the roaches in your apartment spell out the words “Clean up this place”.

Scorpio:  You’ll make sweet love to an amusement park ride.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, you’ll never be alone as long as that parasite stays in your colon.

Capricorn:  Donald Trump will turn down your invitation to Cinco De Mayo 2016.

Aquarius:  You will be struck by an errant Bocce ball.

Pisces:  You’ll be given sandwiches, hundreds of sandwiches.