If your birthday is this week: You’ll get so drunk on your birthday, your friends will end it with an intervention.
Aries: You’ll discover that you can’t get blood from a stone, unless you hit someone hard enough with it.
Taurus: Your moon is in Jupiter, which means it’s going to be another long night at the observatory.
Gemini: The stars say, are you really going to wear that shirt out?
Lemini: You’ll be forced to mow your lawn at gunpoint by a rogue garden gnome.
Cancer: You’ll be interviewed by the ghost of Johnny Carson, but constant interrupted by the ghost laughs of Ed McMahon.
Leo: Get to your iPad, your castle is about to be attack in Clash of Clans.
Virgo: You’ll got sleep skiing and rack up hundreds of dollars in ski lift fees.
Libra: Superman will wake you up early and demand you make him pancakes.
Scorpio: After a particularly steamy lapdance, the stripper hands you twenty dollars.
Sagittarius: You go to turn in your change at the supermarket, but place it in the wrong machine and buy 200 sodas instead.
Capricorn: You will purchase some soap that smells like John Madden.
Aquarius: You’ll find your lost car keys in an omelette.
Pisces: Your horoscope will be completely wrong this week.
