This sketch was written in the late 80’s. Never quite knew how to produce it. I guess with monkey suits.
A Day at the Monkey House
Copyright 1988
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
INT. MONKEY HOUSE-DAY
SCREECH, one of the monkeys sits on a giant tree branch catching fist-sized peanuts and chewing on a toothpick. He is joined by OOK, another monkey. (Both are really actors in suits.)
OOK
Screech, how’s it goin’?
SCREECH
Hey, what do ya say, Ook? Is this place crazy
or what?
OOK
Whew! You said it! You just try and requisition
a new tire swing! It’s like a— (thinks) It’s nuts!
SCREECH
I can believe it. How’s the family?
OOK
Ah, there okay. The wife’s always on my back
to find a new branch, though. Did you hear
what happened to Eek?
SCREECH
(concerned)
No.
OOK
Took a header into the polar bear tank.
SCREECH
(disappointed)
Oh, man!
OOK
Yeah, there wasn’t much left of him when the
keepers pulled him out.
SCREECH
Jesus! I told him the only way to get out of
this place was a body sack.
Suddenly, Screech is hit in the head with a peanut.
SCREECH (CONT’D)
(annoyed, to off camera)
Hey, kid! You’re startin’ to bug me!
OOK
The lions got a new cage.
SCREECH
Again?! Every stinkin’ year they get one! You know
I was born in this cage?
OOK
Hey, they pull in the customers.
SCREECH
Unbelievable! You know, this whole zoo is run
by politics.
OOK
Well, that’s the way the zoo is.
Enter NIK-NIK, another monkey. He stands on a branch in the foreground. Screech eyes him suspiciously.
NIK-NIK
Hey, boys.
OOK
What’s the word, Nik-nik?
SCREECH
Nice to see you out of the straw. You know some of
us work for a living!
NIK-NIK
I work. Watch.
CROSS CUT between Nik-nik and a ZOO PATRON. Nik-nik mimics the zoo patron’s movements.
OOK
Hey, stop that!
SCREECH
You’re disgusting!
The zoo patron throws Nik-nik a popsicle. The monkey catches it and runs away.
OOK
How can people degrade themselves like that?
SCREECH
I never liked that guy! We sit out here all day
and catch peanuts, while he sleeps. Then he
comes out here and acts like that!
OOK
(resigned)
He’s the keeper’s favorite.
SCREECH
See what I mean? Politics, again! Is it no wonder
that his son got to appear on Letterman with Jack
Hanna?
OOK
Yeah, but that was no big deal. He had to perform
there too.
SCREECH
Yeah, but did you see how many peanuts Jack gave
him? If he gave him one, he gave him a hundred!
OOK
Hey, you ought to take it easy.
SCREECH
I’m sorry. It’s this place. It just gets to me!
KIKI (OFF STAGE)
Ook? Ook!
OOK
Oh, jeez, the wife.
ENTER KIKI with a toy baby monkey on her back.
KIKI
What are you doing over here? You should be
practicing jumping through hoops! What if that
circus trainer comes back?!
OOK
But honey, I don’t want to be in the circus. You
gotta ride a unicycle and they make you wear a
diaper.
KIKI
Hmmpfh! Maybe it would stop you from marking
your territory. There’s crap all over our branch!
Ook and Screech high-five each other.
KIKI
I don’t care if it is instinct! It’s disgusting!
OOK
But honey, all the other fellas do it. You
don’t want me to look like one of those
henpecked panda bears, do ya?
KIKI
You just do what I say or you’ll be sleeping in
the feeding trough. Now go and get me some
orange peels!
OOK
Yes dear.
Kiki exits.
SCREECH
(amused)
Whew! I haven’t seen anyone get blasted that bad,
since the zoo-keeper turned the firehose on the leporards!
OOK
(annoyed)
Hey, they forced me to mate with her.
SCREECH
Really?
OOK
Are you kidding? I was so high on trancs, I was
humping the feeders.
SCREECH
That’s exactly my point. They treat us like second-
class animals! You think the rhinos put up with this
crap?
Ook shakes his head in agreement, then gets an idea.
OOK
You want to go throw turds at the monorail?
SCREECH
Yeah, might as well get a jump on it. You know
things would be a lot different around here,
if we ran things.
They EXIT
