If your birthday is this week:  Your Dead Kennedys themed birthday is very punk, but upsets your grandma because she remembers being one of their groupies for awhile.

Aries:  Your researching into a unifying theory and time travel causes one of your 2nd cousins to disappear.

Taurus:  The most delicious beef jerky you’ve ever had, turns out to be a mummified rat someone left in a Ziploc bag near your pantry.

Gemini:  Some aliens will abduct you, but refuse to anally probe you until you wash your ass crack better.

Lemini:  You forget to wear your bullet proof vest, which turns out to be for the best, since you get stabbed this week.

Cancer:  Your Dungeons & Dragons characters comes to life and insists you move out of your parents’ basement.

Leo:  Your doctor advises you that your caffeine intake is now so high, drinking coffee actually dilutes it in your blood.

Virgo:  Your recipe for banana bread creates the Pillsbury Doughboy’s evil twin, Malichai.

Libra:  You’ll have a spring in your step all this week until the doctor finally gets around to removing it for you.

Scorpio:  Your STD’s will all be laying low, so get to Ok Cupid pronto!

Sagittarius:  The stars say, the love of your life will be on vacation with the guy she’ll actually marry, so catch up on some work.

Capricorn:  You’ll will eat three bags of marshmallows and then cry yourself to sleep just as you’ve done every week.

Aquarius:  The ghosts of John Lennon and George Harrison will visit you, smoke all your pot and then tell you that Ringo will pay for it.

Pisces:  You’ll finally watch something on Netflix to justify the $80 you blew on it the last 10 months.