If your birthday is this week: You’ll have a birthday party at the carnival, which means all your presents will be deep fried.
Aries: You will get a great deal at a Circuit City on a new laptop, but get it home only to realize that you were shopping at the ghost of Circuit City. Your ghost laptop evaporates in the sun and the ghosts at the ghost of Circuit City insist on only offering store credit.
Taurus: The stars say there is no horoscope for you this week so go nuts.
Gemini: You’re feeling lucky this week, but Dirty Harry shoots you anyway.
Lemini: More people will say, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” than normal this week.
Cancer: It’s an exciting week for you. Risk will be your whiskey and danger your chaser! Mostly because after heavily drinking you try and drive home.
Leo: Aliens abduct you, but refuse to anally probe you until you wash better down there.
Virgo: You will have a Skype conversation with your dead grandmother and although they have Skype in heaven, she still doesn’t know how to work it.
Libra: A mountain lion will take your hotdog.
Scorpio: You will realize that the only way you can have a relationship is to pretend that love is your fetish.
Sagittarius: Your bananas will ripen too quickly and you’ll have to throw them out.
Capricorn: You will win $2 on a $2 rub-off. What did you expect?
Aquarius: You’ll be chased by a hoard of very aggressive girl scouts selling cookies, buy some or they will hunt you down using their outdoor skills.
Pisces: Your puppy continues to not be potty trained, so you may kill a puppy this week. Just remember to do it outside.
