If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday gifts consist mostly of comic books taken from Free Comic Book Day.

Aries:  You discover that without pants, bike riding can be chilly and a bike seat can ride up way too far.

Taurus:  Your trip to Baltimore is not worth the delicious crabcakes.

Gemini:  You will take a dump in a very dark bathroom, then realize you’re in the toilet storage room at Lowes.

Lemini:   Your sex doll comes to life and tells you that it wants to see other people.

Cancer:  Your roommate labels all your food with his Sharpie, then rewraps it for freshness.

Leo:  You will step on a Lego piece with your bare feet, then go to the hospital in an attempt to get morphine.

Virgo:  The stars say, the next gloryhole you find in a public bathroom will be full of live wires.

Libra:  You discover that giving your roommate a roofie is a quick way to steal all his beer and still claim that he drank it.

Scorpio:  Don’t use that hang glider you bought at the yard sale.  It’s mostly made of foam.

Sagittarius:  You’ll learn to fart opera.

Capricorn:  McDonald’s will request that you shit elsewhere.

Aquarius:  The ghost of Peter Graves will appear and ask you if you like gladiator movies.

Pisces:  You’ll take your third best shower of the year.