If your birthday is this week: Money will rain from the sky, but later you’ll have to return it since those bank robbers hid their loot in a nearby circus cannon.
Aries: You’ll make friends with an obese shut in, but find out later it was only so his supply of pancakes could continue uninterrupted.
Taurus: You’ll sudden realize that wild animals are just the homeless of the animal kingdom and vow never to give a wild animal change again.
Gemini: Your closet will become infested with armadillos.
Lemini: Trader Joe’s will pull your “Roadkill Jerky” from the shelves when it’s found to contain an inordinate amount of skunk parts.
Cancer: Halfway through a bag of beef jerky, you’ll realize you’ve been eating dog treats and that you’ll soon enjoy a thicker, shinier coat.
Leo: The stars say, the all you can eat sushi place is suspiciously close to the aquarium.
Virgo: You may have a drinking problem, since you measure your drinking amounts by the box.
Libra: You’ll karate chop a baby, but it will be deserved.
Scorpio: You’re overusing the word “Sploosh.”
Sagittarius: You’ll get drunk then drive around on a scooter in Target insisting every time you hit an aisle display that it “came outta nowhere!”
Capricorn: Picking out a sweater will be the highlight of your week, but hey, at least you don’t live in Iraq or the Ukraine.
Aquarius: You’ll discover that the muffled screams in your basement is just the wind and a bunch of people being tortured.
Pisces: Everything’s coming up you, so enjoy your birthday chicken parm and generous family gifts despite the fact those assholes at Daylight Savings time stole an a hour from your birthday!
