If your birthday is this week:  Your cat throws you a surprise party, but only invites his friends.

Aries:  You will eat some raw hotdogs and not get sick, but everyone at the supermarket check out will be really worried about you.

Taurus:  You will be hypnotized by a stage magician and become convinced you are a very fat Nicholas Cage.

Gemini:  Save for a rainy day because during the next one, the roof leaks all over your shit.

Lemini:   The stars say, it’s normal to be annoyed by whoever you’re dating, but it’s not normal to be annoyed that they won’t loan you $80K.

Cancer:  You will be unable to decide which country’s videos are weirder, Russia’s or Japan’s.

Leo:  You will regret buying the monkey’s paw because the monkey is still alive and gunning for the guy that took his hand.

Virgo:  This week, you’ll eat some pasta and that’s about it.

Libra:  You’ll meet the reincarnated version of an old friend and he’ll demand the $20 you borrowed.

Scorpio:  Your porn collection will collapse the shelves it’s stored on from the sheer weight of the DVD’s.

Sagittarius:  The ghost of Elvis will bug you to buy a deep fryer.

Capricorn:  You’ll drunkenly confess your sins to some dude in a black suit in an elevator.

Aquarius:  You’ll check your watch and dump your drink in your lap.  You’ll also pee your pants because you’re so surprised, but no one will notice thanks to the spill.

Pisces:  Stop writing lyrics to the A Game of Thrones theme and just watch the damn show.  No one wants to sing, “Game of Thro-ones!  Game of Thro-ones!” over and over again.