Feb17

Your Fratoscope: February 17, 2013

by tonyd on February 17, 2013 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:  You will develop an accent on your trip to Outback Steakhouse.  Unfortunately, it will be French.

Aries:  Your “Punch a Kitten” franchise will not be funded by Shark Tank.

Taurus:  The stars say, don’t trust fortune cookies.  They’re actually made in the United States.

Gemini:  Your roommate will make a video game and dedicate it to you, fortunately, “Assholes From Space” doesn’t reach it’s Kickstarter goal.

Lemini:  You Valentine’s Day gift arrive.  Guess that break up was premature.

Cancer:  You will be visited by the ghost of George Washington, who will demand to know what’s all the bullshit white sales about on his birthday.

Leo:  Your chocolate chip cookies will come out perfect, except for the fact that you confused the chips with a bag of kitty litter.  On the up side, your cat has one sweet place to shit.

Virgo:  You will be in a terrible car accident.  The dialogue will feel forced and the story so unbelievable that you’ll have to back up and do it again.

Libra:  This week, Chris Brown will slap you for changing the channel in the middle of Downton Abbey and for watching Downton Abbey.  This time, he’ll be in the right.

Scorpio:  You will finally achieve the life-long dream of having intercourse with an Anime character.

Sagittarius:  Don’t worry, that creepy van that’s been following you isn’t used for kidnapping.  The rapist inside has his van in the shop.

Capricorn:  Your pot dealer will give you a discount on bud, but really mark up his Doritos.

Aquarius:  You will be mugged by a gang of gnomes and they will get both your shoelaces.

Pisces:  You will get free pizza and a massage, but you’ll refuse the deliver man’s happy ending.

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Feb16

Ten Things You’ll Never See a Meteor Hit

by tonyd on February 16, 2013 at 12:01 am

Meteors have shitty aim.  Actually no aim.  Is it any wonder the only thing they can hit is something the size of Russia?  Here’s ten things you’ll never see one of them hit.

1.  Your dog while playing fetch  (“That’s it, boy.  Get the stick!  Oh, shit.”)

2.  A televised sporting event  (“Johnson goes back to pass, the receiver is open—  Sweet Jesus!  What the fuck is that?!”)

3.  Morgan Freeman  (What are the odds?  I mean, he was the president in Deep Impact.  That would just be insane to single out him.)

4.  Your neighbor in the middle of a conversation  (“Hey, Bill.  Can I borrow your hedge trimmers?  Thanks.  What the—   Holy shit!”)

5.  Some dude that just said something really blasphemous  (“Fuck Jesus and I don’t believe in God!”  Ka-boom!)

6.  A cop who has just given you a ticket as he walks back to his car.  (What’s the etiquette on that?  Do I stay or drive away?)

7.  Some expert or authority figure right in the middle of a speech about how safe the meteor landing is.  (“I assure you, there’s nothing to worry—”  Ka-boom!)

8.  The other end of a roller coaster.  (And you’re on it and for a few seconds after you sail off the track toward oblivion, you’re like, “Wow, this is really a good roller coaster.”)

9.  You, about 15 minutes into Skyfall.  (Upside, you don’t have to see the rest of it.)

10.  Some really guilty douchebag.  (“Fuck you cops!  I killed all those people and walked!”  Ka-boom!)

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Feb15

Rewritten Headlines: PS4 to Disposable Penis

by tonyd on February 15, 2013 at 12:01 am

New Time Wasting Machine Design Leaked in Time Wasting Article

Fish Have Surprisingly Good Access to Drugs

Mayor Bloomberg to Soon Ban Refrigerators

Internet Still Moral Cesspool

Crutches and Wheelchairs to Become Much Kinkier

Adorable Vermin Interrupt Sporting Event

Going Bareback Even Riskier

Potential Dinner Gets Wheelchair Instead

Old Man Buys Ketchup

Creature Designed for “Hittin’ it and Quittin’ it”

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Feb13

Twitter in Focus: Kerri Kenney

by tonyd on February 13, 2013 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is hilarious Kerri Kenney of Reno 911 and the State fame.  She’s funny on TV, let’s see if she’s funny on the Twitter.

@KerriKenney

January 24th:  “Filming the New Normal today. So far…it’s totally true!! Not one out of the ordinary thing has happened on set!”

Awesome.  Psyched for the new movie.

January 25th:  “Always wear eye shadow. People will take you more seriously with eye shadow on. #mymomsadvice”

That’s true, especially if you need to be taken seriously at a Goth club.

January 25th:  “Stand up straight. It will trick people into thinking you’re smart. #mymomsadvice”

My mother always said to stay low, it’ll be harder to get shot.

January 25th:  “If you’ve spent less than an hour styling your hair in the morning, you are not finished. Go back and fire up the hot rollers. #mymomsadvice”

I can’t fire up the hot rollers with gerilcurl, that’s going to cause a fire.

January 26th:  “Yesterday I made several twitter jokes about my mom. Today she’s in the hospital with kidney stones. Oops. #daughteroftheyear”

Jesus Christ!  Watch out for cracks on the sidewalk,Kerri.

January 30th:  “I know my OCD’s are in full effect when I start rearranging OTHER people’s toilet paper rolls to face the “correct” way. #yourwelcome”

Chelsea Lately’s green room must be spotless.

February 5th:  “Go buy @HeatherMcDonald‘s book, My Inappropriate Life, today! Then read it! Then laugh! Then you can do whatever you like. You’re dismissed.”

So many instructions in 140 characters.

February 9th:  “Going for a romantic dinner with my hubby tonight.aka putting on spanx to drink overpriced wine while discussing our son’s bathroom habits.”

That sounds…kinda gross.

February 10th:  “Lost a member of our Reno911 family this week. Helicopter pilot, David Gibbs. Our hearts go out to the other 2 victims and their families.”

Aw.  Sad.

February 10th:  “My gal pal @pink was the winner in MY book. So congratulations! From me and my book. We love you. Winner winner chicken dinner. So there.”

Look, Barnes & Noble is bound to close soon, so get this book out now.

February 11th:  “Chelsea Lately tonight! @MichaelYo! @MoMandel! @ChelseaHandler! Me! Why not?! http://twitpic.com/c2xaw4”

Nice.  I’ll have to keep an out for you on that.  Either that or you should get on The Burn.  I think you’d be good on that.

Okay, let’s rate Kerri’s tweets.  Behind the Scenes stuff, genuine stuff, celebrity name drop and funny self-deprecating stuff, how could you go wrong?  I give her a 9 for Mustness, a 9 for Insanity and a 10 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 9.3.  One of the highest in a while.  Follow Kerri.

And if you have suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

 

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