If your birthday is this week:  You will develop an accent on your trip to Outback Steakhouse.  Unfortunately, it will be French.

Aries:  Your “Punch a Kitten” franchise will not be funded by Shark Tank.

Taurus:  The stars say, don’t trust fortune cookies.  They’re actually made in the United States.

Gemini:  Your roommate will make a video game and dedicate it to you, fortunately, “Assholes From Space” doesn’t reach it’s Kickstarter goal.

Lemini:  You Valentine’s Day gift arrive.  Guess that break up was premature.

Cancer:  You will be visited by the ghost of George Washington, who will demand to know what’s all the bullshit white sales about on his birthday.

Leo:  Your chocolate chip cookies will come out perfect, except for the fact that you confused the chips with a bag of kitty litter.  On the up side, your cat has one sweet place to shit.

Virgo:  You will be in a terrible car accident.  The dialogue will feel forced and the story so unbelievable that you’ll have to back up and do it again.

Libra:  This week, Chris Brown will slap you for changing the channel in the middle of Downton Abbey and for watching Downton Abbey.  This time, he’ll be in the right.

Scorpio:  You will finally achieve the life-long dream of having intercourse with an Anime character.

Sagittarius:  Don’t worry, that creepy van that’s been following you isn’t used for kidnapping.  The rapist inside has his van in the shop.

Capricorn:  Your pot dealer will give you a discount on bud, but really mark up his Doritos.

Aquarius:  You will be mugged by a gang of gnomes and they will get both your shoelaces.

Pisces:  You will get free pizza and a massage, but you’ll refuse the deliver man’s happy ending.