Dec30

Your New Year’s Fratoscope

by tonyd on December 30, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   Your pizzaman is stalking you.  He doesn’t want to have sex, just deliver all your food.

Aries:  You will be punched by a farm animal.

Taurus:  The stars say, avoid the cheese you farty bastard.

Gemini:  Your Polish Land Lady will continue to pay you rent in 2013.

Lemini:  A snowstorm in your home town will not prevent you from going out for pancakes.

Cancer:  Your sex doll will start working for a pimp and from then on it will cost you $200 for sex.

Leo:  You will become the first person ever to get into a car accident with a plane that’s in mid-flight.

Virgo:  Your saloon theme “STD’s in the late 1800’s” is not as successful as your business plan envisioned.

Libra:  You’ll discover that shaving off all your body hair and eyebrows is not a New Year’s Resolution, it’s just weird.

Scorpio:  You will lose track of all the brothers in a frat you’ve had sex with and have to start over with the A’s again.

Sagittarius:  You will be rejected for a blimp license and will need to seek alternative transportation.

Capricorn:  This week, the buzz about the office will be all about that stain on the back of your pants.

Aquarius:  You will finally be let out of the supply closet you were locked in during the office Christmas party a week ago.  Boy, did you shit a lot on that copier.

Pisces:  You will make wise choices with your Game Stop gift card so you can spend New Year’s capping bitches on Xbox Live.

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Dec29

Ira’s Drunken Recipes: English Trifle

by tonyd on December 29, 2012 at 12:01 am

Ingredients:  One pound cake, Bird’s Custard mix, whipped cream, assorted fruit, milk chocolate chips, one bottle raspberry brandy, four bottles of Rolling Rock, one deep trifle bowl, one girlfriend.

Step 1:  Get into argument with girlfriend because you “never do shit”.

Step 2:  Go to her Facebook page, find out English Trifle is her favorite dessert.

Step 3.  Search Internet for Trifle recipes.  Figure if that douchebag Ramsey can do it, so can you.

Step 4:  Purchase ingredients, drink Rolling Rock while regretting decision to make trifle.

Step 5:  Cut up pound cake into flat pieces.  Soak in brandy on baking tray.

Step 6:  Take swig of brandy, decide it’s too sweet, drink another Rolling Rock.

Step 7:  Mix up Bird’s Custard, reward self with brandy shot.

Step 8:  Mix whipped cream, reward self with brandy shot.

Step 9:  Wash and slice fruit, reward self with brandy shot.

Step 10:  Get thirsty.  Drink another Rolling Rock, reward self with brandy shot.

Step 11:  Line bowl with brandy-soaked cake.  Drink unabsorbed brandy from baking tray.

Step 12:  Pour entire bowl of custard in.  Remember you’re supposed to layer custard with other stuff.

Step 13:  Scoop out custard while drinking fourth Rolling Rock, blame girlfriend for dessert mess.

Step 14:  Call girlfriend.  Leave incoherent angry message about her “custard shit”.

Step 15:  Reward self with brandy shot.

Step 16:  Pour fruit in bowl, realize stems and seeds were included, say “Fuck it.”

Step 17:  Pour whipped cream, forget layering again.  Say, “Fuck it.”

Step 18:  Pour in rest of ingredients.  Stir up bowl even though recipe doesn’t call for that.

Step 19:  Regret phone call, call back girlfriend to apologize incoherently.

Step 20:  Finish off brandy bottle while eating trifle and crying.

Step 21:  Throw up in trifle bowl, pass out.

Step 22:  Wake up later, place trifle in fridge not realizing it’s topped with vomit.

Step 23:  Pass out in room.  Awaken later to find frat brothers eating trifle.

Step 24:  Laugh and vomit.

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Dec28

Rewritten Headlines: Last Full Moon to Supreme Court

by tonyd on December 28, 2012 at 12:01 am

Werewolves Celebrate New Year’s Early

Rich People Pretend Justice System Can Touch Them

Woman With Large Breasts Somehow Newsworthy

Fictional Events More Important That Sex to Some

Jammies Comfy, Most Say

Masturbater Retires

Man Steals Bones That He Could’ve Dug Up for Free

Scumbag Gets Caught

Actress Lines Up Next Ex Husband

Rich and Powerful Man Gets Awesome Medical Coverage

Casual Banging Okay With Judgmental Old People

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Dec26

Twitter in Focus: Craig Robinson

by tonyd on December 26, 2012 at 1:17 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is actor/comedian Craig Robinson of The Office, Pineapple Express and Hot Tub Time Machine.  He’s a funny actor, let’s see if he’s a funny tweeter.

@MrCraigRobinson

November 18th:  “Somebody gimme a caption for this pic.twitter.com/H1MlJJop”

Elmo loves Midget Bowling.

November 18th:  “Okay okay!! Y’all crazy!! Thank u. Porkchop bellyflop’s was my favorite. Go Bears (2marra vs 9ers) “(That was “Sesame Street After Dark: Midget Bar Edition”)

Finally, an adult Muppet show.  It was bound to happen and the Playboy channel needs content.

November 18th:  “Who can guess what #1 team in the nation these girls are on?? Hint: they won the PAC 12 this wknd pic.twitter.com/SvxHjrUC ”

Man, you gotta do a lot of work to follow Craig’s tweets.

November 18th:  “Okay sooooo….I didn’t realize I tweeted the answer!! (is this where I would hash tag fail?) I love you”

If I knew any sports or gambled more, it probably would be easy.

November 19th:  “At tha game. End of 3rd. Let’s do this pic.twitter.com/tkvVXA4O”

Nice.  But my question is, when is Hot Tube Time Machine II happening?

November 19th:  “Night’s not a total loss….I ate a churro!!!!”

And it probably only cost $16 at the stadium.

November 19th:  “HaHa!!! Niners won!! I get TWO free tacos!! Jokes on you Frisco haha!! pic.twitter.com/eOq772iM”

When free tacos happen, it’s always a good night.

November 22nd:  “Happy Thanksgiving friends!! ”

How does a famous acting celebrity spend his holiday, I wonder.

November 25th:  “Ahh-choo!!! http://instagr.am/p/ScdpWlvILz/”

Apparently, slowly accumulating germs.

December 15th:  “Fox Holiday pahtay…wit @thejohndimaggio a.k.a Bender pic.twitter.com/wUlnNLAW”

Hey, John doesn’t need that pahtay.  He’s gonna start his own.  With hookers and blackjack.  In fact, forget the pahtay and blackjack.

December 16th:  “What’s happenin!!! pic.twitter.com/T9zYfO4O”

Dwayne lives!

8 hours ago:  “Merry Christmas!!! ”

Well, Craig doesn’t tweet consistently, but at least he remembers his fans during the holidays.

Let’s rate Craig’s tweets.  I’m liking his pictures and the interaction with the fans.  I give him a 6 for Mustness, an 8 for Insanity and a 1o for Style.  That’s an overall score of 8.  Follow Craig.  He’s fun.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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