If your birthday is this week: You’ll be sick, but fortunately someone buys you a cake that’s metholyptus-flavored.
Aries: The stars say, you can only get off from work so many times by claiming you just got back from Sierra Leone.
Taurus: You’ll be invited to join a club, but it turns out just to be some guys that want to hit your with a club.
Gemini: Stop taking cards! You have 17!
Lemini: Your mother calls and asks if you could put her affairs in order. Turns out, she cheated a lot and can’t keep track.
Cancer: Your pizza will arrive late and it will be the wrong shape.
Leo: This week, watch out for gnomes. The little guys may have put a hit out on you.
Virgo: Your tailor offers you 10% off if you promise to join a gym.
Libra: Your love of Flamingo Dance will save you from an assassin’s bullet.
Scorpio: You will achieve orgasm on a moving skateboard.
Sagittarius: Your spirit animal will reveal itself to you and shit all over your carpet.
Capricorn: You’ll find the skeleton of an Elf while cleaning out your fireplace.
Aquarius: God will appear to you in a dream and remind you that your factory warranty is done.
Pisces: Your sandwich making skills reach mastery levels this weekend.
