I’m back, I’m cheap and I’m angry. Why review movies when you can bash them for free without wasting your time? This is why I have On-Demand. This is why I save money. And this is Why I’m Not Seeing These Movies.
Get Hard: Although I like Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell, they made this movie.
Home: An animated movie with voices from Rhianna, Jennifer Lopez and Steve Martin? Oh, Steve. What happened to that wild and crazy guy? I would just be too sad to see this.
Serena: The description of this movie begins, “In Depression Era—” and I just immediately think. No.
Furious 7: But I haven’t see the first six? How will I follow the story?!
Paul Blart: Mall— No!
Pitch Perfect 2: C’mon. Seriously?
Mad Max: Fury Road: Okay, this is a challenge not to go see, since I am a fan of the originals. Other than replacing Mel Gibson with someone younger and less vocal about his opinions on Jewish people, what’s the purpose here? It looks like the same, ol’ tired movie with better effects. Like the remake of Robocop. You can shine a turd all you want Hollywood, it don’t make it gold.
Insidious 3: Why don’t they just start calling these movies Scary Ghost Movie 146, 147, etc.? It would save us all a shitload of time, as they are all basically the same movie.
Spy: Here’s the problem with spy movies and I’ve discussed this at length whenever I start screaming about the Bond movies: The Soviet Union is gone, so who does the West have left to fight? There’s no one bigger and badder than the U.S. Even a casual glance at the amount of money countries spend on the military and intelligence will tell you the U.S. outspends its nearest competitor by ten to one and almost the entire world combined. So whatever spy you send, even an English one, it always feels like the main character already has a HUGE leg up, since there is no giant evil Soviet Union backing up the villains. So really, what’s the point? It’s why Archer is so effective, since the KGB still exists on that show.
Speaking of Archer, I’m off to watch another episode or something else on my TV. Maybe I’ll finally move my ass to the theater to see Avengers: Age of Ultron, but it’s possible Hollywood could screw that up too.
