If your birthday is this week:  Money will rain from the sky, but later you’ll have to return it since those bank robbers hid their loot in a nearby circus cannon.

Aries:  You’ll make friends with an obese shut in, but find out later it was only so his supply of pancakes could continue uninterrupted.

Taurus:  You’ll sudden realize that wild animals are just the homeless of the animal kingdom and vow never to give a wild animal change again.

Gemini:  Your closet will become infested with armadillos.

Lemini:   Trader Joe’s will pull your “Roadkill Jerky” from the shelves when it’s found to contain an inordinate amount of skunk parts.

Cancer:  Halfway through a bag of beef jerky, you’ll realize you’ve been eating dog treats and that you’ll soon enjoy a thicker, shinier coat.

Leo:  The stars say, the all you can eat sushi place is suspiciously close to the aquarium.

Virgo:  You may have a drinking problem, since you measure your drinking amounts by the box.

Libra:  You’ll karate chop a baby, but it will be deserved.

Scorpio:  You’re overusing the word “Sploosh.”

Sagittarius:  You’ll get drunk then drive around on a scooter in Target insisting every time you hit an aisle display that it “came outta nowhere!”

Capricorn:  Picking out a sweater will be the highlight of your week, but hey, at least you don’t live in Iraq or the Ukraine.

Aquarius:  You’ll discover that the muffled screams in your basement is just the wind and a bunch of people being tortured.

Pisces:  Everything’s coming up you, so enjoy your birthday chicken parm and generous family gifts despite the fact those assholes at Daylight Savings time stole an a hour from your birthday!