Jan22

Your Fratoscope: January 22, 2012

by tonyd on January 22, 2012 at 12:01 am

If your birthday is this week:   You will find forbidden love in a Pizza Hut bathroom and give new meaning to the phrase “stuffed crust”.

Aries:   You will participate in the “Scared Straight” program because of criminal behavior and learn an important lesson.  Jail is a great place to network if you’re a criminal.

Taurus:  This week, your baked potato will slap the fork out of you hand and run away screaming, “Flee!  Flee!”

Gemini:   Your unholy experiments with potato with freak out a Taurus.

Lemini:   You will discover that your Tea Party friends are against gay marriage, but surprisingly open to gay sex.

Cancer:   You will arrive in Mordor six weeks late with reinforcements.  The volcano is all yours now.

Leo:  The stars say, stop picking at it.  Seriously, you’re grossing the stars out.

Virgo:   You will be sued by your imaginary friend for neglect.

Libra:   You will lose a Scrabble game on the word “funyun”.  You should’ve challenged.

Scorpio:   You will burn yourself in a sensitive area.  Perhaps it’s time to stop your insane quest to make a great egg frittata while having sex.

Sagittarius:    You will win a Mercedes full of salmon.

Capricorn:  Newt Gingrinch will chew you out over the phone for not voting for him.

Aquarius:    This week, you’ll be the asshole that can’t park between the lines.

Pisces:   Paula Deen will call you and tell you that she no longer wants to buy your Reese’s Pieces Casserole recipe.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Jan21

Rewritten Headlines: Penn State to SOPA

by tonyd on January 21, 2012 at 12:01 am

It’s time for the Rewritten News, with your Rewritten News Anchor, Tony D!

Real: Penn State to Pay Ex-Assistants More Than $4 Million in Severance

Rewritten: College Football Still Way Too Important

Real: Kodak Given 2013 to Reorganise

Rewritten: Kodak Scrambling to Make Disposable Cameras Relevant

Real: Scientists Agree to Halt Work on Dangerous Bird Flu Strain

Rewritten: Zombie Apocalypse Delayed

Real: This “Haywire” Star can “break you in half”

Rewritten: Haywire Star: “Come at me, bro”

Real: France Threatens Early Exit from Afghanistan

Rewritten: France Considering Surrender to Taliban

Real: Antipiracy Bills Put on Hold in Congress

Rewritten: Congress Pwnd by Reddit

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Comments Off on Rewritten Headlines: Penn State to SOPA
Jan20

Frat Boy At the Movies: The Iron Lady

by tonyd on January 20, 2012 at 12:01 am

My personal bias is definitely going to effect this review.  First, it is a well made film and Streep is, as always, amazing to watch.  I mean, short of plastic surgery, she is Margaret Thatcher.

The movie follows her life, but not in chronological order.  It starts with her feeble and old and jumps back and forth in flashback throughout her career.  A lot of it centers around her personal life, especially the relationship she had with her husband and dealing with his death.

Part of the movie made me mad, because I’m old enough to remember Margaret Thatcher and I didn’t particularly care for her policies.  The other part made me sad because, like the husband character, I too am a goofy guy, married to an English woman (one generation removed).

That being said, there’s no denying that it’s a good movie.  I’m not sure how audiences that don’t know their recent English history will take it all in (in the US), but for one of these critically acclaimed, soon-to-be-an-Oscar-winner movies, it packs a lot of emotional punch and doesn’t feel slow at all.

I give the Iron Lady 8 out of 10 keggers, but I’m biased because I don’t like movies that make me sad and angry, so you might like it better.  Admittedly, the Missus dragged me to go see it, but I wasn’t disappointed.

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment
Jan16

Ten iPhone Apps You’ll Never See

by tonyd on January 16, 2012 at 12:01 am

10:  Reality TV Show Crew Detector: This app would buzz whenever you were in the proximity of a reality TV show camera crew, thereby allowing you avoid airing your personal problems across national TV.  It’s most popular with wanted fugitives that could end up on Dog: The Bounty Hunter.

9:  Taylor Swift Sound Canceler: Using a technology that can negate equal sound frequencies, this app will make sure that you never hear this hot, sultry siren’s music ever again.  Can also be retooled to negate Celene Dion.

8: TSA’s Pocket Body Scanner App: Why step in an entire machine, when this app can do the humiliating job of stripping you of all your human dignity with just the push of a button?  Warning: Will coat your junk in massive doses of radiation.

7: Porn Hider: Allows you to stream porn on your iPhone, which looks like Bugs Bunny cartoons to anyone not looking directly at the screen.  Warning:  Must wear your ear buds for this to full function.

6:  Internet Back Up Date App:  Allows you to place extra dating profiles in your cues with ready-to-go emails.  So while your current date is going down in flames, you’ll be well on your way to the next one.  With any lucky, you’ll get a response before the waiter brings the check.

5: Douchebag Bar Ratio App: Scans the clothing and hairstyles of everyone inside the current bar you’re standing in, compares them to the Jersey Shore cast and calculates the percentage of douchebags in attendance.  Also detects spray tans depending on the lighting conditions.

4:  Fake Emergency Text App:  Next to end a date early?  Tired of talking to that douchebag that bought you a drink?  Or maybe you’re just stuck in a boring conversation?  Activate this app and 30 seconds later, you’ll get an emergency text that will allow you to exit the room immediately.

3:  iColonoscopy: Just buy the overpriced Apple attachment, flush your system of food for 24 hours and save yourself an embarrassing trip to the doctor.

2:  Onion Headline Confirmation: Confused about the news?  Has some of it become so bad that you cannot tell a real headline from one generated by the Onion comedy newspaper?  Worry no longer.  With this app, you’ll know if you’re laughing ironically at the demise of the United States or chuckling genuinely at some well-crafted comedy.  Warning:  This app may depress the shit out of you.

1: Ringer Decoy: Want to take a call or get your text in the movies?  This ringer harnesses the power of ventriloquism by throwing the ringer at another patron, so you can take the call while the usher throws out that “rude” man in the third row.  How else are you going to see the end of MI4 and not miss where people are meeting later?

└ Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
1 Comment