If your birthday is this week: You will purchase clean urine from an unusual source.
Aries: You will buy a horse that can stomp winning lottery numbers, unfortunately it balances out as he is also a heroine junkie.
Taurus: You will catch your mailman attempting to eat the smoked meat log out while delivering your Hickory Farms gift basket.
Gemini: You will meet a leprechaun that offers you a pot of gold for a blow job.
Lemini: Spacial relations will be difficult to discern this week, mostly because all of the brain damage you’ll be suffering.
Cancer: The stars say, save your receipts after you go Christmas shopping, at least one of the sex slaves you purchased will have to be exchanged.
Leo: This week, you will realize that the horrible tasting fruit roll-up you found is actually a piece of skin.
Virgo: Your past will come back to haunt you, mostly because you failed to pay your Ghostbusters bill.
Libra: Not surprisingly, your Eggs Benedict will betray you.
Scorpio: Your sexual encounter with Carrot Top isn’t as erotic as expected. He keeps using your sex toys to make jokes.
Sagittarius: You will discover that you’re the one that’s supposed to turn your head and cough, not the stranger you meeting in the waiting room.
Capricorn: The stars say, give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but if you let him starve you get a free fish.
Aquarius: Your attempt to host a GOP debate in your backyard isn’t very popular, but Rick Santorum will agree to attend.
Pisces: You will have some awesome cake at your nephew’s birthday party, but next time bring some for the him and the other guests too.
