Your Fratoscope: January 22, 2012on January 22, 2012 at 12:01 am
If your birthday is this week: You will find forbidden love in a Pizza Hut bathroom and give new meaning to the phrase “stuffed crust”.
Aries: You will participate in the “Scared Straight” program because of criminal behavior and learn an important lesson. Jail is a great place to network if you’re a criminal.
Taurus: This week, your baked potato will slap the fork out of you hand and run away screaming, “Flee! Flee!”
Gemini: Your unholy experiments with potato with freak out a Taurus.
Lemini: You will discover that your Tea Party friends are against gay marriage, but surprisingly open to gay sex.
Cancer: You will arrive in Mordor six weeks late with reinforcements. The volcano is all yours now.
Leo: The stars say, stop picking at it. Seriously, you’re grossing the stars out.
Virgo: You will be sued by your imaginary friend for neglect.
Libra: You will lose a Scrabble game on the word “funyun”. You should’ve challenged.
Scorpio: You will burn yourself in a sensitive area. Perhaps it’s time to stop your insane quest to make a great egg frittata while having sex.
Sagittarius: You will win a Mercedes full of salmon.
Capricorn: Newt Gingrinch will chew you out over the phone for not voting for him.
Aquarius: This week, you’ll be the asshole that can’t park between the lines.
Pisces: Paula Deen will call you and tell you that she no longer wants to buy your Reese’s Pieces Casserole recipe.