If your birthday is this week:   You will find forbidden love in a Pizza Hut bathroom and give new meaning to the phrase “stuffed crust”.

Aries:   You will participate in the “Scared Straight” program because of criminal behavior and learn an important lesson.  Jail is a great place to network if you’re a criminal.

Taurus:  This week, your baked potato will slap the fork out of you hand and run away screaming, “Flee!  Flee!”

Gemini:   Your unholy experiments with potato with freak out a Taurus.

Lemini:   You will discover that your Tea Party friends are against gay marriage, but surprisingly open to gay sex.

Cancer:   You will arrive in Mordor six weeks late with reinforcements.  The volcano is all yours now.

Leo:  The stars say, stop picking at it.  Seriously, you’re grossing the stars out.

Virgo:   You will be sued by your imaginary friend for neglect.

Libra:   You will lose a Scrabble game on the word “funyun”.  You should’ve challenged.

Scorpio:   You will burn yourself in a sensitive area.  Perhaps it’s time to stop your insane quest to make a great egg frittata while having sex.

Sagittarius:    You will win a Mercedes full of salmon.

Capricorn:  Newt Gingrinch will chew you out over the phone for not voting for him.

Aquarius:    This week, you’ll be the asshole that can’t park between the lines.

Pisces:   Paula Deen will call you and tell you that she no longer wants to buy your Reese’s Pieces Casserole recipe.