If your birthday is this week: Turns out, your surprise party is heavily attended…by actors posing as your friends! April Fool! You have no friends!
Aries: The stripper you hired will show up wearing money and demanding clothes for a lap dance. She’ll explain later that it’s her first day.
Taurus: You will be given a free haircut by the haircut gnomes, but they’ll go too far and shave your genitals too.
Gemini: The government is going through your garbage, but it’s only to make sure you’re eating right.
Lemini: You will pull a muscle. Unfortunately, the person it belongs to, hadn’t give you permission to do that.
Cancer: As a fine for your parking ticket, you will be forced to attend a Michael Bolton concert. Your lawyer appeals on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.
Leo: You will discover that writing down a step by step plan to steal your roommate’s girlfriend, doesn’t work if you ask your roommate to spell check your steps.
Virgo: The stars say, “Winter is Coming”. Fucking unoriginal stars.
Libra: You’ll come into some money when someone smacks you in the face with a roll of quarters.
Scorpio: You’ll be invited to play a game of cornhole, but it’s not the game you’re thinking of, so your bring your box of dildos for nothing.
Sagittarius: You will discover that filling your trunk with pudding isn’t as fun as initially promised.
Capricorn: You will back over a manatee in your driveway.
Aquarius: This week, beware of candy bars. No reason, just keeping you on your toes.
Pisces: You will have the fourth best bowl of soup you’ve ever had this week. Unfortunately, up until then, you’ve only had soup three times.
