Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to Limbo
on April 12, 2014 at 12:01 am
I feel bad for the people of that flight. But at least they don’t have to listen to the incessant non-coverage on every God damned news channel. Technically, this isn’t rejected, as I am writing it right now. But really, how topical will this be in a year? Let’s hope not very.
Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to Limbo
written by Tony DiGerolamo
Copyright 2014
KEY: March 8, 2014
INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY
The plane begins to shake. The PASSENGERS make sounds of alarm and then suddenly there is a BLINDING FLASH OF LIGHT. When the light recedes, all is calm and the ANGEL GABRIEL stands before the confused passengers and crew. Gabriel is a thin, but well built shirtless man in a pair of white capri pants. He has fluffy, white wings and a self-satisfied expression.
GABRIEL
Ladies and gentlemen, please put your tray
tables in their upright positions and don your
air masks! Ha-ha! (and then) No, seriously.
That’s not necessary. I’m the angel, Gabriel
and I am here to welcome you to Heaven. Well,
eventually. Right now you’re all in Limbo.
I’ll take questions now.
A confused YOUNG HINDU WOMAN raises her hand first.
GABRIEL
Yes. You, cutie.
HINDU WOMAN
Are we…dead?
GABRIEL
(embarrassed)
Yeah, sorry. (suddenly cheerful) But, hey,
we spared all your pain and suffering. That’s
what the white light does. Didn’t feel a thing
right?
A unsure, but confirmed murmur ripples throughout the plane. A guy with a BIKER MUSTACHE suddenly finds his confidence and raises his hand.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Wait a minute. What kind of Heaven are
we going to? Doesn’t our religions
matter?
A worried murmur ripples through the plane. Gabriel rolls his eyes.
GABRIEL
Relax, Easy Rider. Your all God’s children.
Everyone gets into Heaven.
A NUN raises her hand.
NUN
But what about religion, is it—
GABRIEL
All wrong. Sorry. Just all bullshit,
I’m afraid.
The pilot walks in front behind Gabriel. The passengers boo him.
PILOT
I am very sorry.
GABRIEL
(defending him)
Hey-hey, people. You’re about to get
your Eternal reward. Don’t blow it now.
Besides, wasn’t his fault. It was
mechanical failure. Some mechanic on
the ground lost his girlfriend in a car
accident. Missed a bad fuel line and
boom, it all went to Hell. Unlike you!
A STEWARD with a door handle stuck through his eye raises his hand.
STEWARD
(pointing to eye)
Um, about this…
GABRIEL
Ew, I know, I know. Don’t worry.
Once we get to Heaven, you’ll be
in one piece, ‘kay? Listen, I gotta
check in with the big guy. You don’t
have to eat, sleep or go to the bathroom
any more. Just hang tight and we’ll
be in Heaven soon.
PILOT
When?
GABRIEL
God doesn’t like a lot of negative vibes
in Heaven. And sensational stories like
yours tends to create that. But don’t
worry, give it a week and it’ll blow over.
Your loved ones will grieve and we can
get the party started, okay? Until then,
here.
Gabriel waves his hand and an iPad 1 appears in everyone’s hand.
GABRIEL
Plenty of Heaven Apps, courtesy of Steve
Jobs. Should answer all your questions
until we can move, okay? I’ll be back!
Skittles!
Gabriel disappears in a puff of glitter. The passengers start tapping their iPads.
KEY: ONE WEEK LATER
INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY
Gabriel reappears.
HINDU WOMAN
Finally.
PILOT
Hey, everyone! It’s time to go to Heaven!
The plane erupts in cheers, but Gabriel gestures for the passengers and crew to calm down.
GABRIEL
(embarrassed)
Yeah, about that. Looks like it was a
slow news week. The news has really been
dragging out the crash.
A dissatisfied murmur rumbles through the plane.
GABRIEL
I know, I know. It’s weird, but
check your iPads. Jobs just did an
upgrade, you can watch the news back
on Earth and followed what happened.
Give it another week, tops and you’ll
all be sipping Mai Tais poolside, ‘kay?
PILOT
Okay, but—
Gabriel disappears again. The passengers play with their iPads.
PILOT
Man, they are really tearing through
my life.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Well, it was your fault.
PILOT
Mechanical failure.
STEWARD
We already established that.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Yeah, whatever. Anyone find any
porn on this thing?
NUN
Ewwww.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Well, there’s nothing to do here!
KEY: Another week later.
INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY
The passengers are now sitting around looking bored. One of the passengers has rigged his iPad into the plane’s television system and they are watching CNN’s relentless coverage of the plane crash and search. The TV ANCHOR promises another “exclusive” and then doesn’t deliver. The passengers groan.
NUN
This is such bullshit!
Gabriel appears. He’s wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
STEWARD
Finally!
GABRIEL
(really disappointed)
Hey, everyone. Yeah, sorry about this.
That Wolf Blitzer, huh? He just won’t
let go.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
C’mon, why can’t God just let us into
Heaven?
The passengers yell in agreement.
GABRIEL
Ooo, yeah, sorry. No can do, Sonny Barger.
Look, you’ll have all Eternity to get into
Heaven. It’s not like you’re really missing
anything.
HINDU WOMAN
(looking at iPad)
It says here we missed a Luau!
PILOT
That’s where you were just at!
GABRIEL
Guilty as charged.
Gabriel waves his hand, causing the shirt to disappear.
GABRIEL
They’ll be another one!
NUN
(looking at iPad)
It says here that each party God
throws is unique! And it will never
be repeated!
GABRIEL
(muttering to himself)
Dammit, Steve. Too fucking genius if
you ask me.
The passengers start to get angry.
STEWARD
Can you at least remove this handle
from my face?
GABRIEL
No, but it doesn’t hurt, right?
STEWARD
It’s still annoying!
GABRIEL
(getting an idea)
I know! Here!
Gabriel waves his hand. Suddenly, everyone has a plate from a Hawaiian luau in front of them, including a fruity drink with an umbrella.
PILOT
You said we didn’t have to eat.
GABRIEL
Well, you don’t have to. I thought
it would give you something to do.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Eating takes like ten minutes! We’ve
been stuck here for two weeks!
GABRIEL
(getting annoyed)
Okay, there is nothing I can do! Look,
something else is bound to happen in the
news and then God will be fine with it.
PILOT
Like what?
GABRIEL
I’m not Nostradamis! Maybe Honey Boo-boo
will have a stroke or the Duck Dynasty
Guys will shoot each other!
NUN
How much reality TV do you watch?
GABRIEL
I have off time!
Gabriel disappears again.
KEY: Less than one week later.
INT. FLIGHT 370-NIGHT
The passengers are quietly taking naps or tapping on their iPads. One of the Stewardess has stacked the discarded plates in a pile in the back. Two of the passengers are having sex in the middle of the aisle, no one seems to care. Gabriel suddenly appears in the shadows near the cockpit. No one sees him at first.
GABRIEL
(whispering)
How is everyone? Good? Well, okay
gotta—
PILOT
Hey! He’s here!
Suddenly the lights go on and the passengers are alert. The couple keeps having sex on the floor.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Were you just going to pop in and leave?!
GABRIEL
No-no. I-I-I was just stopping by to—
NUN
When do we get the fuck out of here?!
GABRIEL
Jeez, Sister, take it easy. (aside to Hindu woman)
Nuns, huh?
HINDU WOMAN
She’s right! We’ve been here for weeks!
STEWARD
Yeah, we are out of conversation, dude.
PILOT
(pointing to couple)
And these two don’t even care any more!
GABRIEL
Look, there’s nothing I can do! You have
the iPads!
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
I need some exercise!
GABRIEL
You’re dead! You don’t need it!
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
I don’t want to spend eternity in this plane!
GABRIEL
It’s not so bad! When you consider Eternity!
You might even miss this once you’re in Heaven!
The passengers groan.
PILOT
Look, can we go back to Earth? Maybe haunt
some people?
YOUNG HINDU WOMAN
Like that Anderson Cooper!
GABRIEL
No! It doesn’t work that way! You just
have to be patient!
STEWARD
I can’t take it any more!
The Steward forces the door open. Outside is a blinding white light. He jumps out. A few seconds later, there is another light on the ceiling and the Steward comes falling out.
STEWARD
Dammit! I was almost out!
GABRIEL
No, you weren’t! You can’t get
out unless God wills it!
NUN
Can’t God make an exception?!
GABRIEL
Okay, look, let me talk to God.
Explain the situation. I’ll come
back.
PILOT
Today?
Gabriel looks from side to side.
GABRIEL
Soon.
Gabriel disappears.
KEY: Two weeks after that
INT. FLIGHT 370-DAY
The interior of the plane has completely changed. The chairs have been gutted and the passengers have devolved into savagery. Blood and fecal matter are all over the walls and several passengers and the pilot have been impaled on primitive, weapons made from parts of the plane. Here and there, the lights have been replaced by torches. Gabriel appears and the remaining passengers immediately pounce on him.
GABRIEL
Jesus Christ!
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
Grab him!
The passengers pin down Gabriel and the Biker Mustache Guy puts a spear to his neck.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
We want off this plane!
GABRIEL
I can see that! What the Hell? Why did
you go all Lord of the Flies?
NUN
You forsook us! You didn’t return!
GABRIEL
You’re not the only dead people! Do you have
any idea how long Nichole Brown Simpson stayed
in Limbo?! And that woman was a saint about it!
STEWARD
Are you going to get us into Heaven or not?!
GABRIEL
Fine! I talked to God, it’s all arranged. Now
let me up.
BIKER MUSTACHE GUY
(suspicious)
Seriously?
GABRIEL
(mocking)
No, I’m lying. Now will you come on? It smells
like the bathroom at the original Woodstock in here!
The passengers let Gabriel up, he flips them off with both hands and disappears. On one of the iPads, Wolf Blitzer offers another exclusive about finding the missing plane. The Nun smashes the iPad with her foot.
