If your birthday is this week: The stars say, stop wishing for snow, you ski-loving bastard!
Aries: The voices in your head come will finally come to an agreement. Soup instead of salad.
Taurus: Your cellphone’s under the pillow.
Gemini: This week, you’ll eat a jelly bean that’s bean flavored and looks exactly like a bean.
Lemini: You will drink so much caffeine, your heartbeat will turn into a steady hum…until it explodes.
Cancer: You will have a hilarious and surprising gardening accident.
Leo: You will be accosted by an incredibly rare gang of “land pirates”.
Virgo: You have a date with destiny, but unfortunately, destiny’s aunt comes into town and cancels at the last minute.
Libra: You will scientifically confirm that yes, bitches do be trippin’.
Scorpio: You will receive and email from your favorite porn site asking you to go easy on their servers for a while.
Sagittarius: One of your online avatars breaks up with you, but assures you that it’s the avatar and not you.
Capricorn: Your future is clouded in mystery, mostly because you buy a fog machine for your apartment.
Aquarius: You will take the third biggest shit in your life.
Pisces: You will have such a fantastic meal, the waiter will tip you.
