If your birthday is this week:  Turns out, your surprise party is heavily attended…by actors posing as your friends!  April Fool!  You have no friends!

Aries:  The stripper you hired will show up wearing money and demanding clothes for a lap dance.  She’ll explain later that it’s her first day.

Taurus:  You will be given a free haircut by the haircut gnomes, but they’ll go too far and shave your genitals too.

Gemini:  The government is going through your garbage, but it’s only to make sure you’re eating right.

Lemini:  You will pull a muscle.  Unfortunately, the person it belongs to, hadn’t give you permission to do that.

Cancer:  As a fine for your parking ticket, you will be forced to attend a Michael Bolton concert.  Your lawyer appeals on the grounds of cruel and unusual punishment.

Leo:  You will discover that writing down a step by step plan to steal your roommate’s girlfriend, doesn’t work if you ask your roommate to spell check your steps.

Virgo:  The stars say, “Winter is Coming”.  Fucking unoriginal stars.

Libra:  You’ll come into some money when someone smacks you in the face with a roll of quarters.

Scorpio:  You’ll be invited to play a game of cornhole, but it’s not the game you’re thinking of, so your bring your box of dildos for nothing.

Sagittarius:  You will discover that filling your trunk with pudding isn’t as fun as initially promised.

Capricorn:  You will back over a manatee in your driveway.

Aquarius:  This week, beware of candy bars.  No reason, just keeping you on your toes.

Pisces:  You will have the fourth best bowl of soup you’ve ever had this week.  Unfortunately, up until then, you’ve only had soup three times.