If your birthday is this week: Your birthday gift will be confiscated by the cops and regifted to the one of the cop’s relatives. That’s a shame, because it was some really good pot.
Aries: The stars say, cancel that trip to the Ukraine. Shit’s about to get real.
Taurus: You will eat the third greatest tasting plate of waffles ever created.
Gemini: You will move your 2 o’clock to 3:30 and then your 3:30 to 5pm, but you’ll still have time to watch Workaholics.
Lemini: You will get drunk and make sweet love to a bus stop bench. It will be magical.
Cancer: Captain America will come to your house and show you several pamphlets on why Europe is such a great place to live.
Leo: Someone will throw potatoes at you and then sour cream.
Virgo: Your dog does not have rabies, but he has eaten all the toothpaste in your apartment.
Libra: You will find your baker’s retainer in the last slice of cake he baked for you.
Scorpio: Your orgy will be lightly attended due to snow, but extended into Monday.
Sagittarius: Your planned “Drink and Draw” turns into just “Drink and Puke”.
Capricorn: Without any salt, kitty litter or other grit to throw on your driveway, you end up spreading chocolate chips and jimmies everywhere. It doesn’t do much for traction, but it looks delicious.
Aquarius: The members of your cult will vote you out.
Pisces: You will build several snowmen in obscene positions on your front lawn
