May25

Your Memorial Day Fratoscope

by tonyd on May 25, 2014 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You will finally pass that ping pong ball and it will be the best birthday shit ever.

Aries:  You roommate finally returns your beer pong ping pong ball, so maybe you should’ve gotten him a birthday present.

Taurus:  You will discover that three hamburgers, a hotdog, 18 chicken wings, potato salad, colesaw and 12 beers taste way better going down than coming up while you’re swimming in the pool.

Gemini:  Your volleyball skills are so bad, you land a spike right into the middle of the barbecue destroying the ball and stamping the world “Wilson” in reverse on your cheeseburger.

Lemini:  The stars say, just act casual.  There are so many people at the family barbecue you crashed, no one will question who you are until long after your stomach is full.

Cancer:  Put on sunblock, you’re practically an albino.

Leo:  That ice you put in your drink is full of dirt because it was cooling the beers, the other cooler is the ice for the drinks.

Virgo:  You will drop potato salad into your aunt’s cleavage.

Libra:  It will rain, but only where you are.

Scorpio:  You will discover that having sex behind a pile of rental chairs isn’t adequate cover from the lifeguard and his cellphone camera.

Sagittarius:  You will discover a delicious tasty crab in your bathing suit, but he’ll get first bite.

Capricorn:  Your roommate will replace your sunblock with a delicious smelling marinade.

Aquarius:  Your friends will cheer you on at the top of the water slide, but only because your balls are hanging out your bathing suit.

Pisces:  You will enjoy tasty sushi and a truck rally:  You’re a complex person.

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May24

Level Up: Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff

by tonyd on May 24, 2014 at 12:01 am

Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff is one of those games you tap on your iPad or smart phone. Personally, I don’t understand how anyone can play a game like this on a tiny screen, but some have no choice, I guess. It’s a good game and definitely aimed at someone that’s already a fan of the show.

Comparing it to the Simpsons: Tapped Out: It’s an improvement on the same concept. Whereas, Homer destroys the town in a nuclear accident, Peter destroys it by fighting the giant chicken. In each game, you rebuild the character’s respective towns, which generates the characters.

Granted, The Simpsons has more to pull from, but The Family Guy game is superior in several ways. First, you don’t feel like you’re being squeezed for premium cash just to get key characters. Of course, Family Guy has fewer characters, but you get them all and I’ve already got a ton of outfits for them.

In the Simpsons, I feel like I’m still missing key characters (especially Jimbo) and they are often too expensive to afford unless you’re really pissing away some money for the premium items. In Family Guy, it gives you a lot and the premium buys can be used to buy mostly decorations for your town or to speed things along.

I will say, the Family Guy game takes longer to generate the cash to buy the buildings you need, but I’m patient and cheap. The Simpsons makes it easier, but you’re constantly hitting a wall of “Do I really want to buy that?” And there’s way too much stuff that’s just decoration that does nothing. Family Guy hasn’t gotten to that point yet and the map seems smaller, but the various levels of collecting extra stuff gives you an excuse to do more missions, so they feel more important to the game. In the Simpsons, I was just constantly banking money and experience for the next thing. In Family Guy, I am constantly going back to old characters to get them to do things to generate the objects I need to unlock more characters.

Also, I found a lot of the sound bites in The Simpsons to be mostly screaming or complaining, but in Family Guy, they were funnier. Maybe I’ll get sick of them quicker, but I don’t know. So far I’m about half way through the game and, as Peter said about sex, “It. Is. Awesome!” Download it, bros.

I give Family Guy: The Quest for Stuff, 9 out of 10 kegs.
kegkegkegkegkegkegkegkegkeg

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May23

Rewritten Headlines: Prince Charles to Charlie Sheen

by tonyd on May 23, 2014 at 2:05 am

RewrittenNewsDeskWerewolf

(Sorry for the late post, bros!)

Pretend Leader Pretends to Have an Opinion

People in Shitty City Still Busy with Things to Do

Government Worker Promises He’ll Stop Sucking at Job

Printers Not Selling Well

State Loves the Classics

Millionaire Bitches About Bullshit

TV Hillbillies Suddenly Elevated to Role Models

Movie to Not Include Wolverine

Scientist Finish Obvious Study

Actor Wants Attention

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May21

Twitter in Focus: Dana Carvey

by tonyd on May 21, 2014 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die.  Today’s contestant is Dana Carvey, comedian and SNL alumn.  He’s funny on TV, let’s see how he tweets.

@danacarvey

April 20th:  “Just met Jon Lovitz for breakfast… “

That’s an excellent choice.

April 20th:  “My son Tom’s joke that I tweeted last year. “I wanna open a donut shop…that sells weed… I’m going to call it Glazed & Confused””

Nice.  Keepin’ it in the fam.

April 28th:  “I often hear people say “No one said it would be easy” REALLY? NO ONE? I’m just gonna say it then…”It will be easy!””

Finally.

April 29th:  “Flying. Will NEVER get used to the miracle of flight. Humans kicked ass! The smartest monkey in the world couldn’t figure this shit out!”

Witchcraft, I say!  Witchcraft!

April 30th:  “I could so kick a Great White Sharks ass…if we were both in a Safeway parking lot. What can the big scary shark do now? Huh? Huh?”

I dunno…  Those things can really thrash and bite before they die.

May 6th:  “People always say to me, ” Heh Dana what’s up!!?”And I say “what’s not up?Then those people smile meekly and walk away.”

Hmmm, I should try that.  Every time I reply, “Your face, bitch!” and slap them, I don’t get good feedback afterwards.

May 6th:  “Me, & Fred Wolf. “

May 6th:  “Me, & Fred Wolf. “

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I think we all have the same question about this photo.  Who the Hell is David Spade?

May 7th:  “NASA is streaming HD video from space: When it flies over California you can just about see me waving…I’m tiny. RT “

This is one of the reasons California should not be crippling the porn industry.  Imagine all the exciting zoom ins.

May 8th:  “Can you spot me among my old cross-country pals? “

You look like you with a very thick wig.

May 11th:  “”Yeah it is my baby…How did you know?” Happy Mother’s Day! “

Awwwww.

May 12th:  “Thanks to the team at Club for letting me work out some new material in front of a wonderful crowd.”

Nice.  Wish I had a clip, but then there’s this:

May 14th:  “Anyone ever feel like this? ”
I dunno.  Kindergartners can’t get drunk.

May 19th:  “Here is a weekly show that my son & his Irish cousin are launching. RT “

A comedy legacy.  Neat.

Okay, let’s rate Dana’s tweets.  I like the personal ones and the pics.  Doesn’t post every day, but fairly regular.  I give him a 6 for Mustness, an 8 for Insanity and an 8 for Style.  That’s an overall score of 7.6.  Follow Dana.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email us here.

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