If your birthday is this week: A three hundred pound Saint Bernard will eat your birthday cake. You won’t stop him.
Aries: You will get so high, you will give the other driver a back massage during your next road rage.
Taurus: You will finally realize that Facebook is a ginormous fucking waste of time.
Gemini: You will refuse to put the snow shovel away because you are suffering from PTSD, Post Traumatic Snow Disorder.
Lemini: The stars say, stop being a whiney little bitch.
Cancer: You will finally realize that you’re the only person that still wants to talk about Seinfeld episodes around the water cooler.
Leo: Your beer pong game gets out of hand and you will throw bowling balls into garbage cans full of beer.
Virgo: This week, you will be pulled over by a cop. He’ll ask you if you think his eyes are too close together.
Libra: You’ll visit a flea market and notice that they are selling the same crap that’s already in your place.
Scorpio: Your favorite live Internet porn channel sends you an email asking you to unsubscribe because you’re kind of creeping them out.
Sagittarius: Your girlfriend has a bun in the oven. Seriously, warm hot buns and they’re so delicious, you end up having sex and knocking her up.
Capricorn: Beware of anyone named “Mitzy” this week.
Aquarius: You will have the soup and the salad.
Pisces: You will create a new desert for breakfast after combining pancakes and ice cream.
