If your birthday is this week:  STFU until the game is over!  Damn!  It’s not all about you!

Aries:  You waffle-flavored chicken wings will be an instant hit at the Super Bowl party, especially when you pass out the syrup for dipping.

Taurus:  Your bookie stops by your Super Bowl party to thank you again for putting his kids through college.

Gemini:  No one will mind when you sit in the nacho dip by mistake, but they will be mad you’re not wearing pants when you do it.

Lemini:  Stop rooting for the Pats just because everyone else is a Seahawks fan, you dick.

Cancer:  You will overdose on Dorito’s dust and have to have your stomach pumped.

Leo:  Nothing will go right for you, probably because you’re a Jets fan.

Virgo:  You will get to try 42 out of 53 “deflated ball” jokes you prepared.

Libra:  Your fantasy football league will finally explain to you that the entire thing is to scam you to pay for the Super Bowl party.

Scorpio:  Your Super Bowl half-time orgy goes great, but as usual, you miss the rest of the game.

Sagittarius:  You can take off that Eagles jersey, Philadelphia is out of it.

Capricorn:  You will send a drunken email to the game’s winner, demanding your own ring for your support of the team.

Aquarius:  Your blue cheese farts eventually drive everyone to the nearest bar to see the rest of the game without your ass smell.

Pisces:  For some reason, everyone bails on your Simpsons watching party.