If your birthday is this week: Your piñata will be full of cake and your cake will be made out of hollow cardboard and full of wrapped candy.
Aries: A game of shuffleboard ends in another fistfight for you.
Taurus: You’ll suddenly realize that you missed the last episode of The Sopranos, but don’t care.
Gemini: This week, you’ll be mistaken for a famous person, unfortunately it will be Osama Bin Laden.
Lemini: The lobster you attempt to boil escapes and starts sending you threatening emails.
Cancer: The stars say, please cover the skylight in your house when you’re masturbating. Stars don’t wanna see that.
Leo: The garden gnomes near your house come to life and molest your action figure collection.
Virgo: You will suddenly become obsessed with Wings Hauser.
Libra: Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Don’t stop. It’ll soon be here.
Scorpio: You will have sex with a time traveler only to realize halfway through it’s you from the future and you really know what you want.
Sagittarius: Your pizza will be eight minutes late.
Capricorn: Sick of Vine Videos, you develop a new app where the videos are only two seconds long, but grow tired of it before you can sell it.
Aquarius: Donald Trump will stop by your place, invite himself in, knock over a few things and say, “It would be a shame if you didn’t vote for me and I had time to come back here.”
Pisces: Video game avatar is forced to outsource all the work you give it to someone in India.
