If your birthday is this week:  Your piñata will be full of cake and your cake will be made out of hollow cardboard and full of wrapped candy.

Aries:  A game of shuffleboard ends in another fistfight for you.

Taurus:  You’ll suddenly realize that you missed the last episode of The Sopranos, but don’t care.

Gemini:  This week, you’ll be mistaken for a famous person, unfortunately it will be Osama Bin Laden.

Lemini:  The lobster you attempt to boil escapes and starts sending you threatening emails.

Cancer:  The stars say, please cover the skylight in your house when you’re masturbating.  Stars don’t wanna see that.

Leo:  The garden gnomes near your house come to life and molest your action figure collection.

Virgo:  You will suddenly become obsessed with Wings Hauser.

Libra:  Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.  Don’t stop.  It’ll soon be here.

Scorpio:  You will have sex with a time traveler only to realize halfway through it’s you from the future and you really know what you want.

Sagittarius:  Your pizza will be eight minutes late.

Capricorn:  Sick of Vine Videos, you develop a new app where the videos are only two seconds long, but grow tired of it before you can sell it.

Aquarius:  Donald Trump will stop by your place, invite himself in, knock over a few things and say, “It would be a shame if you didn’t vote for me and I had time to come back here.”

Pisces:  Video game avatar is forced to outsource all the work you give it to someone in India.