If your birthday is this week: Your ho’s buy you a new pimp cane, but you have to ask yourself: Where’d the bitches get the money for it?
Aries: The ghost of Jimmy Buffet comes to you and says he’s not dead yet.
Taurus: You’ll go out for wings, but be afraid to cross a picket line manned by armless chickens.
Gemini: You’ll invent and then get sued over your new board game “Punch Your Neighbor”.
Lemini: The stars say, “Bend over and pick up those keys on the floor. Oh, yeah. Just like that, baby!”
Cancer: You quit smoking and gambling, but replace it with huffing paint and shuffleboard.
Leo: You’ll discover that you’re the last person in America Donald Trump hasn’t insulted.
Virgo: Speak your mind, it won’t take very long.
Libra: This week, do something crazy. It’s the only way the doctors will keep giving you pills.
Scorpio: You’ll realize that it’s quicker to list the inanimate objects that haven’t been in one of your orifices.
Sagittarius: Be your super inconsistent self today…kinda.
Capricorn: The voices will stop, but then return after Comic Con.
Aquarius: Jesus will take the wheel, which is how you’ll get the speeding ticket.
Pisces: Your ghost time travels into the past to warn you not to die.
