If your birthday is this week:  The Batman impersonator at your party will be kidnapped by a scary clown in purple and green, who has a surprising number of henchmen with him.

Aries:  You’ll discover that all the snails in your garden are really drunk.

Taurus:  This week, prepare yourself for change because a nearby vending machine company will explode.

Gemini:  Casper the friendly ghost will haunt you for six weeks, singing a god damned song about friendship.

Lemini:  Your fortune cookie will read, “Are you still eating cookies, you fat fuck?”

Cancer:  You’ll drink a surprising amount of olive oil this week.

Leo:  The stars say, it’s fine to masturbate at online porn at home, just not at the Starbucks.

Virgo:  Your Labor Day festivities are a lot like your daily activities of getting high and eating hotdogs.

Libra:  You will lose your shoes during a fancy dinner at your parents’ house.

Scorpio:  You will discover that barbecue sauce stings when used as a sexual lubricant.

Sagittarius:  You will sit on a particularly attractive pie.

Capricorn:  Terrorist birds will threaten your back yard, but you won’t take it seriously until the bird seed bell explodes.

Aquarius:  The bread in your sandwich will be recalled halfway through lunch.

Pisces:  You’ll forget to update your blog and not to cosplay as Harley Quinn like you promised your therapist.