If your birthday is this week: Two drunken otters will ruin you party and no one will know who invited them.
Aries: You’ll realize the power bars you’ve been eating are just Three Musketeers in a different wrapper.
Taurus: You’ll be mugged by a Muppet down on his luck.
Gemini: The stars say, “What are you lookin’ at? Huh?!”
Lemini: You’ll realize that your religion can’t be based on going to the International House of Pancakes for every meal.
Cancer: Bill Murray will punch you in the genitals and then whisper in your ear, “No one will believe you.”
Leo: You’ll catch a rare Pokémon in your neighbor’s shower, just before the police arrive.
Virgo: This week, you’ll catch a squirrel going through your wallet. He’ll swear he was just looking for your address so he could return it.
Libra: Your Facebook timeline will tell you that you did the same shit five years ago.
Scorpio: Your visit to a toll booth finishes with a happy ending.
Sagittarius: You’ll take Mac n’ Cheese and invent Mac n’ Cheese n’ Vodka.
Capricorn: The stars say, your attempt to bribe your mailman backfires and he’ll loudly announce your delivery of marital aids.
Aquarius: No one at the office will appreciate your installation of a Slip n’ Slide at the hall in front of the Restrooms.
Pisces: Your original tweet will be optioned for a movie trilogy starring Benedict Cumberbatch.
