If your birthday is this week: Your birthday will be awesome and everyone will read the webcomic you make with your uncle.
Aries: You’ll lose $5000 to your opponent playing solitaire.
Taurus: The stars say, take a jacket, it’ll be cold.
Gemini: The cops will return that Walkman that was stolen from you and the investigation that retrieved it cost your town over two million dollars.
Lemini: You’ll get your Christmas shopping done early, because you have no friends.
Cancer: Your online scam works, but unfortunately everyone pays you in coupons for Trump University.
Leo: You’ll get sick of your flip phone as it has flipped you off one too many times.
Virgo: You’ll get the blues, but some Claritan clears it right up.
Libra: Your proposed Masturbation Tax is shot down in committee, as it would be expected to raise too much money.
Scorpio: You’ll get a back rub from a stranger on the bus, but he’ll refuse to give you a happy ending.
Sagittarius: You’ll spend the rest of this year planning and holding a Christmas party at work because no one does shit this month.
Capricorn: This week, you’ll increase your normal six packs of sugar in your coffee to eight.
Aquarius: Your online political argument you started before the election finally ends.
Pisces: You’ll eat your weight in steak
