If your birthday is this week:  Your birthday will be awesome and everyone will read the webcomic you make with your uncle.

Aries:  You’ll lose $5000 to your opponent playing solitaire.

Taurus:  The stars say, take a jacket, it’ll be cold.

Gemini:  The cops will return that Walkman that was stolen from you and the investigation that retrieved it cost your town over two million dollars.

Lemini:  You’ll get your Christmas shopping done early, because you have no friends.

Cancer:  Your online scam works, but unfortunately everyone pays you in coupons for Trump University.

Leo:  You’ll get sick of your flip phone as it has flipped you off one too many times.

Virgo:  You’ll get the blues, but some Claritan clears it right up.

Libra:  Your proposed Masturbation Tax is shot down in committee, as it would be expected to raise too much money.

Scorpio:  You’ll get a back rub from a stranger on the bus, but he’ll refuse to give you a happy ending.

Sagittarius:  You’ll spend the rest of this year planning and holding a Christmas party at work because no one does shit this month.

Capricorn:  This week, you’ll increase your normal six packs of sugar in your coffee to eight.

Aquarius:  Your online political argument you started before the election finally ends.

Pisces:  You’ll eat your weight in steak