If your birthday is this week: Your cat will cancel your birthday party so you’ll have more time for petting.
Aries: You will eat nothing but left Twix bars, but then realize “left” is only relative to how you picked up the candy in the first place.
Taurus: Your attempt to Trick or Treat a week early is met with a mixed reaction and little candy.
Gemini: The band, Jane’s Addiction, reunites on your front lawn and then, just as quickly, breaks up.
Lemini: Hillary Clinton will tie you to a chair and beat you on the shins until you answer the question, “Are you my bitch?!” to her satisfaction.
Cancer: The stars say, they can see that Frisbee on your roof.
Leo: Take charge this week! Everyone else stuck on the life boat is passed out from dehydration anyway.
Virgo: Check your poop, it’s full of rubies for some reason.
Libra: A high pressure salesman will get you to buy the Los Angeles Clippers on your credit card.
Scorpio: You will be manhandled by a customer service rep.
Sagittarius: You’ll see Donald Trump being thrown out of a tanning salon where he’ll beg the manager for just “five more minutes”.
Capricorn: Your mailman will accidentally bring you junk mail from the future.
Aquarius: You’ll find that missing hotel in Monopoly when you accidentally step on it walking to the bathroom at three in the morning.
Pisces: The Cheeseburger Fairy insists that you owe her over $40 for her last visit.
