Feb15

Twitter in Focus: Artemis Pebdani

by tonyd on February 15, 2017 at 12:01 am

Hey Bros!

Welcome to Twitter in Focus where media comes to die!  Today’s contestant is Artemis Pebdani, Artemis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!  Let’s see what she’s tweeting.

@Shmartemis

November 9th:  “2016, man. What a year of unfathomable suck.”

Yeah, can’t argue with that.

November 9th:  “Xanax. Tonight. And every night for the next four years. And yeah mobilize and fight and all that. And Xanax.”

Nah, I’ll stick with iced tea.

November 13th:  “Boo to me-I got live shows Sunday nites. But I watch Zorn as soon as I get home and regret all the possible cyber fun times we could’ve had.”

Man, everyone’s got shows.  I gotta get shows to do.

November 24th:  “It’s that time of existence y’all. Give this Thanksgiving and help Water Protecters protect themselves! ”

That seems like a lifetime ago.

December 4th:  “I admit it, I cried. Cheers to the Water Protectors! Dakota protesters WIN bid to stop Standing Rock pipeline”

Yeah, I though that would be the end of it, but…

January 20th:  “Winter is here.”

Not in New Jersey.  Winter kinda stopped by, but left before morning.

January 20th:  “Man he’s laying out some really good points, maybe we should wait and see how this works out. Haha just kidding we’re fucked.”

Meh.  Either way.  Y’know, except Libertarian.  That would’ve been cool.

January 20th:  “Remember when when Elvis shot out his TV? I get it now.”

Yeah, me too.  It’s been quite a six months.

January 28th:  “Breathe it out.”

Wow, she’s way behind on her tweets.  Who could blame her?  She’s in a ton of shows.

Okay, let’s rate Artemis.  I give her a 6 for Mustness, an 8 for Style and a 9 for Insanity.  That’s an overall score of 7.3.  Follow Artemis.

And if you have a suggestion for Twitter in Focus, email me here.

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Feb13

Fratty or Not Fratty with Pledgemaster Dick

by tonyd on February 13, 2017 at 12:39 am

Our pledgemaster, Indestructible Dick, may not know Math, Science, English Literature, History or any other class he’s taken, but he knows what is Fratty.  Stand fast, bros.  Your pledgemaster is about to bring down judgement upon you!

Pokemon Go:  Not So Fratty

It’s been an awesome game, but where are the updates?  These guys have really been doggin’ it.  Plus there are many players gaming the system.

Taboo:  Fratty

Pretty much anything with Tom Hardy is awesome.  The guy nails it in this new show.  Creepy shit, bros.

Valentine’s Day:  Never Fratty

What could be worse than a forced holiday where you can’t get a fucking restaurant reservation?

Onion Rye Bread:  Pretty Fratty

Where has this been?!  Delicious, bros.  Can’t make PB&J with it, but all deli meats taste better with Onion Rye.

Liberals:  Definitely Not Fratty

These guys used to be about free love, people’s rights and all that happy hippie shit.  Now they’re just so whiny.  Get back to your roots, Liberal bros.  And stop posting on Facebook like that means something.

Archer:  Still Fratty

God damn, I could watch those reruns all day.  So jam packed with references.  Every second kicks ass.

East Coast Snow:  Not Fratty

This fuckin’ weather.  Cold, hot, cold, hot, snow, rain—  Jesus, make up your God damned mind!

Schitt’s Creek:  Pretty Damn Fratty

There’s this new channel called “Pop”.  I think it’s Canadian.  Anyhow, this show includes Eugene Levy, Katherine O’Hara and Chris Eliot.  Do I need to explain why you should be watching it?  Levy’s son, Daniel, is pretty damn hilarious in it.

 

 

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Feb12

Your Fratoscope: February 12, 2017

by tonyd on February 12, 2017 at 12:01 am

FratoScopeHeader

If your birthday is this week:  You’ll be used as an excuse to stop working and eat cake this week.

Aries:  You’ll be assaulted by cupcakes.

Taurus:  This week, be on the look out for the Hamburglar.  He’s on parole.

Gemini:  You will get a collect call from the last working cellphone in America.

Lemini:  The hitman assigned to kill you commits suicide after observing your life for a week.

Cancer:  The Scientologists you meet on the bus decide that you’re not quite right for their organization.

Leo:  You’ll drop some acid and bowl a 7 in three games.

Virgo:  You will receive a record number of Valentine’s Day cards with typos in them.

Libra:  You’ll download an app that will threaten to make your browser history public unless you send the creator $500 a month.

Scorpio:  The NSA will send you an email recommending that you check out better quality porn sites.

Sagittarius:  A cop will pull you over for singing the wrong lyrics to pop songs in the car.

Capricorn:  Your filthy car’s GPS keeps directing you to car washes.

Aquarius:  Total strangers will walk up to you and criticize your clothes, so it’s official, everyone’s jealous of you.

Pisces:  You’ll spend a lazy Sunday helping Nicholas Cage solve a 200 year-old mystery and fighting Chinese gangsters.

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Feb11

Tony D’s Rejected Comedy Samples: Craigslist Ads I Now Consider

by tonyd on February 11, 2017 at 12:01 am

I have no idea why or who I wrote this for, but I guess I wrote it in 2009.  Enjoy.

Craigslist Ads I Now Consider

Written by Tony DiGerolamo

Copyright 2009

            As a freelance writer, cruising Craigslist for possible gigs is something that I do throughout the course of the day.  Unfortunately, with jobs becoming scarcer and the economy shrinking faster than the amount of Obama cabinet secretaries that paid their taxes, I’ve had to consider more and more jobs further afield than writing.  Here are a few recent ads I considered sending a response:

“Writing:  Passionate Shoppers Wanted for PT Writing Opportunity”:  I figured I could combine my love of writing with my need for buying food.  It’s a win-win!

“Creative:  Pregnancy Photographer”:  Okay, this might be a little weird, but it’s not under those fetish ads.  It’s probably just a proud dad, right?  I have a digital camera.  At the very least, maybe the couple is really stupid and I can jack up my fee via “dark room processing” fees.

“Creative:  gourdcraft (willing to pay for lessons)”:  How hard could this be?  I’ll score some gourds from the local supermarket, do a little Sharpie magic and glue—  Viola!  I’m a gourdmaster!  That should be worth, like, $150 a lesson, right?

“Labor:  BARBER AND BRAIDER”:  This is not freelance writing at all.  I’ve gone far afield here.  I could fake my way through this through.  I just need to hide the mirrors.  Once people get out of the barber shop, I could blame the wind.

“Part time:  Phlebotomist”:  I just have to stay away from the big veins and I’ll be fine.  If anyone passes out from blood loss, I’ll put on “The Cure”, dye their hair black and tell the other doctors that the Goth kid insisted I drain a lot of blood.  As long as no one dies, I should be able to fake my way to at least one paycheck.

“Adult:  Give spanking for cash”:  Wow, I think this makes me a whore or at least my hand would be a whore.  It’s a slippery slope, but a butt’s a butt and I do have to finance all those expensive snacks I buy at Trader Joe’s.  I wouldn’t be touching the butthole, just the cheeks.  No one wants their taint spanked.  And if they do, I could charge like $1000 and use a glove.

“TV and Film:  Casting NBC’s THE BIGGEST LOSER!”:  Nah.  I have my pride.  Have to draw the line somewhere.

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