If your birthday is this week:  Your car’s GPS will keep leading you into a bad section of town until you put some crack in your gas tank.

Aries:  You will attempt to surf while eating a cupcake, but you’ll drop the cupcake.

Taurus:  You’ll take out a small loan and go to the movies.

Gemini:  You’ll have some French Toast, which is pretty good, but that’s about it for highlights of the week.

Lemini:  Someone’s gonna poop on you this week, so don’t bother buying those pants.

Cancer:  This week, get ready to use Salsa dancing to get you out of two wildly different situations.

Leo:  You’ll star in a KFC commercial because everyone else has.

Virgo:  The stars say, a good friend of yours will be encased in Jello.

Libra:  The person ahead of you at the Dunkin Donuts will take forever just to order coffee.

Scorpio:  Your line of baseball cards will contain far too many pictures of genitals.

Sagittarius:  You’ll change your underwear at least twice this week.

Capricorn:  As they say, don’t take any wooden nickels, but they never said anything about wooden bitcoin.

Aquarius:  Your prop comedy will get you thrown out of the public library.

Pisces:  You’ll see Jesus in a pizza, but hey, it’s pizza.