If your birthday is this week: Your friends on Facebook will agree that you’re aging badly and should probably quit.
Aries: While doing your shitty job, you’ll point to Dave Grohl whose been watching you and let him try it for a while.
Taurus: Megatron will cut in front of you at the drugstore, but you won’t say anything.
Gemini: The NFL does not draft you, again, but they do invite you back to work a concession stand.
Lemini: You will walk through the kennel undecided because all the dogs look so delicious.
Cancer: The stars say, eating donuts is not a sport, despite your efforts.
Leo: You will accidentally massage a total stranger.
Virgo: Your can of tuna contains only a partial T-shirt from the TV show, World’s Deadliest Catch.
Libra: This week, you will be bombarded with marshmellows at work.
Scorpio: You do not find any Pokemon up any major orifice, despite repeated attempts.
Sagittarius: You’ll attempt to bake a cake while getting high, but realize half walk through all you really did was pour all the ingredients into a bowl and set them on the window sil.
Capricorn: You’ll find your mailbox full of buttermilk, but the mailman will apologize for stealing your carton.
Aquarius: You’ll get dealt a Royal Flush, but realize that does you little good in Shuffleboard.
Pisces: You’ll attend an awesome comic book convention in Philadelphia, from 10 to 4, where a Spiderman in the parking lot will attempt to sell you some weed.
