Hey Bros!
We’re going back to 1985 for this one. In my college days, I worked on a sketch show. This was one of the sketch I wrote, but it was far too expensive and complicated to produce at the time. Plus, I really wanted to play Dr. Smith and my acting skills then were moderate at best. With some practice, I might be able to be passable now, but it would require solid props to sell it. Originally called “Dr. Smith Speaks” it’s working title is “Land of the Lost in Space” because it was an excuse to do, well, that show. If you haven’t seen Lost in Space and Land of the Lost, no doubt you have no idea what this sketch is talking about. Anyhow, enjoy.
Dr. Smith Speaks
Copyright 1985
written by: Tony DiGerolamo
INT. NABORS COLLEGE AUDITORIUM-EVENING
The seats are filled with COLLEGE STUDENTS waiting to catch a glimpse of their favorite TV, sci-fi hero. ALLISON VEX, student activities chairperson, stands on the stage at the front of the auditorium. Behind her is a table, chair, microphone and a banner that reads, “Nabors College welcomes Jonathan Harris II, son of “Dr. Smith” from “Lost in Space”. Above her in the background is a large projection screen. The students applaud as Allison walks out and she quiets them down.
ALLISON
smarmy)
Hi, everyone, I’m the chair person of
student activities, Allison Vex. And
I’d like to welcome you all to our
continuing series of guest speakers here
at Nabors College.
Audience applauds.
ALLISON (CONT’D)
Thank you. We’ll bring Mr. Harris out
in a minute. I just wanted to remind
everyone of a few upcoming events.
(reading from clipboard) Next week,
Professor Langley of the Anthropology
department will be giving a lecture on
early Aztec comedy called, “Take my
heart, please”. (smiles to herself)
The black, feminist, Marxists for Satan
film festival has been postponed from
the week of the 7th to the 23rd.
(smiling) Oh, and for those of you of
color, there’s a racial sensitivity
workshop on the 18th and 19th, which
is open to the public. Finally, next
month our speaker will be Demond Wilson
from “Sanford and Son”. And now, won’t
you welcome, Jonathan Harris II, the son
of Dr. Zachary Smith from “Lost in Space”!
The audience and Allison applaud. Enter JONATHAN HARRIS II, who looks, acts and sounds exactly like Dr. Smith from “Lost in Space”. He is even wearing the same clothes. Jonathan has a suspicious look about him, as if he’s always plotting and planning something evil. Allison sits with the audience.
JON
Thank you, Allison. Hello, my
adoring fans! Let me drink in your
applause! Oh! (the applause ends)
I am Jonathan Harris II, no doubt
(superior) you’ve heard of my father,
Better known as the grossly misunderstood,
Dr. Zachary Smith on “Lost in Space”.
Shower me with questions, for I am
your humble servant this evening.
GREG, an audience member, raises his hand. He is wearing a “Lost in Space” T-shirt and carries several pieces of show memorabilia, including a model of “The Robot”.
JON
(seeing Greg)
Yes, lad?
GREG
(a little nerdy)
You claim that Dr. Smith was misunderstood,
but wasn’t it through his actions that he,
the Robinsons and the Robot became
“lost in space” to begin with?
JON
(slyly, lying)
Uh, no. It was to be revealed in a later
episode that Donald West, played by actor
Mark Goddard, was actually responsible for
the sabotage.
GREG
(unsure, sitting down)
Huh, I didn’t know that.
Jon recognizes, LIZ, another audience member with a T-shirt that says, “I (heart symbol) the Robot”.
LIZ
What was your father like?
JON
(proud)
A man of extraordinary moral fiber
and impeccable good taste!
LIZ
(confused)
Yeah, but didn’t he always try and
steal the saucer?
GREG
(agreeing)
Yeah!
JON
(angry)
Lies! Preposterous lies!
Allison stands up and addresses the crowd.
ALLISON
(humoring)
Now, everyone, Mr. Harris took time
out of his schedule to come and talk
to us. Let’s be nice. (giggles)
Allison, Liz and Greg sit down.
JON
(slyly)
That’s quite all right, Allison.
There’s always a few in one group.
Next question. How about you in
the coat back there?
ANGLE ON AUDIENCE MEMBER IN COAT
Sitting in the back of the auditorium, hidden with an overcoat and large hat is THE ROBOT.
THE ROBOT
(trying to disguise its voice)
Um. Ahem. Dr. Smith, what was it
like working with Billy Mumy?
JON
You know, it’s funny you should mention
that, because, although it was my father,
not I, who worked with Billy Mumy, we
recently shot a new TV pilot together.
A most auspicious undertaking, I might add.
The audience is impressed.
THE ROBOT
(still monotone)
Ooo, wow. You wouldn’t happen to have
a clip, would you? I would—
The robot moves an his hat falls off.
THE ROBOT
Whoops.
GREG
Oh, my God! It’s The Robot!
The Robot waves politely as the audience applauds. Jonathan is angry he is being upstaged.
JON
(furious)
You pathetic scrap heap! You’ve
ruined everything!
THE ROBOT
Negative. I detect an increase in
audience participation.
JON
(back-peddling)
Of course, my mentioning of the clip
did provide extra stimuli. Let me
set it up for—
THE ROBOT
(interrupting)
The new television program stars this
unit and Billy Mumy, reprising our
roles in “Lost in Space”. Jonathan
Harris II, replaces his father as the
new Dr. Smith. In the pilot episode,
Dr. Smith steals the saucer and crash
lands in a prehistoric wilderness.
JON
Silence! You moronic metal man! You’ll
give everything away!
THE ROBOT
Just roll the tape, Chummy.
Jonathan walks over to a VCR and monitor on the right side of the stage and presses play.
ANGLE ON TELEVISION
The TV begins to play the tape of the pilot.
MUSIC: “Lost in Space” theme song
KEY: Ebb Tide Productions present
KEY: A Jonathan Harris II production
ANGLE ON JON
Jon looks into the camera and smiles.
KEY: JONATHAN HARRIS II as Dr. Smith
ANGLE ON OLDER BILLY MUMY
The OLDER BILLY MUMMY looks about 40, overweight, with a three-day beard, cigar and that bright red hair. He turns to the camera and smiles.
KEY: BILLY MUMY as Will Robinson
ANGLE ON THE ROBOT
The Robot turns toward the camera.
KEY: UNIT X-T9/325 as The Robot
ANGLE ON SPACE SHIP
The Jupiter II is flying over a backdrop of stars. The music segways into a different theme song.
SINGR
(v/o, sung to theme of “Land of the Lost”)
Will, Dr. Smith and The Robot,
While flying out in space. Hit
the greatest earthquake, ever known.
The saucer crashes into a cheap model of the Colorado rapids. As it floats along the ranging water, a model stone slab falls behind the saucer, blocking the river entrance.
SFX: (poorly dubbed) Slam.
SINGER (CONT’D)
(v/o, singing)
Hiiiiiiigh, on the rapids, it struck
their tiny craft.
The saucer plunges down a model waterfall.
WILL, JON, THE ROBOT
(v/o, frightened)
Ahhhhhhhhh!
SINGER (CONT’D)
(v/o, singing)
And plunged them down, a thousand feet
below.
KEY: The Land of the Lost in Space
SINGER (CONT’D)
(v/o, singing)
To the Land of the Lost in Space!
Land of the Lost in Space!
The last line echoes and fades away.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PREHISTORIC JUNGLE-DAY
Jon (as Dr. Smith), Will and The Robot are running through the jungle, fleeing from some unknown, prehistoric nightmare.
THE ROBOT
Danger! Danger! Hostile creature
detected! Danger! Danger!
JON
(panicking)
Oh, you contemptible tin can!
We’re going to be squished into
people patties!
SFX: (in background) The roar of a creature.
Jon, exhausted, stops to rest on a rock. Will stops with him and takes the cigar out of his mouth.
WILL
(in high-pitched, boy’s voice)
Dr. Smith, c’mon! We’ve got to
try and make it to that cave!
THE ROBOT
(moving past them)
Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!
While flailing its arms, it strikes Will in the face.
WILL
(frustrated, to The Robot)
We get the idea!
JON
(depressed)
I can’t run any farther, dear boy!
Go on without me! Leave me to my
doom!
SFX: (a much closer) Roar!
JON
(panicking)
Ahhhhhhh!
Jon screams, leaps to his feet and follows Will and The Robot.
ANGLE ON RICK AND HOLLY
RICK and HOLLY MARSHALL are the original characters from “Land of the Lost”, except now they are older and more ragged. Holly looks about ten months pregnant. They both speak with a hillbilly accent.
RICK
(gestures)
Over here, boys! Over here!
THE ROBOT
Danger! Danger! Don’t slip on that
rock! Watch out for that branch!
Danger! Danger!
The Robot, Will and Dr. Smith hide with Holly and Rick. A large shadow moves past the group and the sound of the creature moves away.
WILL
Thanks.
JON
(slyly)
Yes, most kind. And just who
are our saviors?
RICK
We’re Rick and Holly Marshall.
Me and my sister been stuck here,
oh, ’bout fifteen years or so.
JON
You mean you can’t get out of here?
We’re doomed! Oh, so doomed!
HOLLY
Aw, this place ain’t so bad. Why
don’t you and your paranoid robot,
come up to our camp?
TRANSITIONAL WIPE TO:
EXT. CAVE-DAY
A sign above the cave reads, “Rick and Holly Sleestack Tavern”. A smaller sign below it says, “Sleestack’s under this line will not be admitted”. Rick leads the other inside.
RICK
It ain’t much, but it pays the bills.
HOLLY
Yeah, and most of the Sleestack are
a right nice bunch.
THE ROBOT
Danger! Danger!
JON
Silence, you mechanical menace!
THE ROBOT
Danger! Danger! Dr. Smith is running
out of one-liners! Danger!
TRANSITIONAL WIPE TO:
INT. SLEESTACK TAVERN-DAY A SLEESTACK PIANO PLAYER is in the corner of a bar that looks as if it was made on “Gilligan’s Island”. Everything, including the bar, furniture and cups, are made from bamboo, sticks and wood. A table of THREE SLEESTACKS quietly hiss at each other and drink. Will, Dr. Smith and The Robot are sitting at the bar with drinks in front of them. Rick and Holly are cleaning up behind the bar.
JON
(taking a drink)
At last! Civilization! (drinks)
Superb! Will begins to drink.
RICK
It oughta be, do you know how hard
it is to ferment squid dung?
Will spit-takes on the bar.
THE ROBOT
Danger! Danger! I detect rum in the
Margaritas!! Danger!
Enter CHACKA, half-monkey, half-man. He is carrying a bunch of flowers.
CHACKA
Holry! Holry! Wook!
HOLLY
Don’t you honey me! I told you to
get out!
CHACKA
Umgalli tumeesh, a boogan fu!
HOLLY
(angry)
Oh, sure! It’s “honey” when you
need to borrow money. (points to
baby) How about some money for
this, bub?
SFX: Roar of dinosaur very close.
JON
Oh, dear!
EXT. CAVE-DAY
A pathetic looking model of Rick and Holly’s cave is attack by a PLASTIC TYRANOSAURUS REX, made to look bigger on the set of the model. The hand of the puppeteer can clearly be seen moving the stiff creature.
SFX: Dinosaur roars.
After a few jabs at the cave, the screen goes black.
INT. NABORS COLLEGE AUDITORIUM-NIGHT
Jon has stopped the tape.
JON
(with his back to audience)
Now, who would like to buy a VHS copy
of this amazing—
The lights come on, revealing only The Robot left in the audience. Jon is furious.
JON
(ranting, moving toward The Robot)
You lascivious lawn mower! You wretched
robot! This is the end, do you hear?!
No more colleges, no more shopping malls,
no more restaurant openings, no more lecture
tour! This is it! I’m finished! (indignant)
You repugnant robot!
Jon slams the door on his way out. The Robot, still immobile, snores as if it is sleeping.
