If your birthday is this week:   Whitney Houston will sing at your birthday party.  Afterwards, you’ll give her a ride to the bus.

Aries:  Your New Year’s resolution goes out the window earlier than expected, but you had to masturbate to that picture of Amy Winehouse one last time.

Taurus:  You’ll still be hungover and no one knows what happened to your pants.  Maybe next time, don’t pace yourself David Cassidy.

Gemini:  Your roommate is pissed at you for designating your shared room as “Puke Central” for New Year’s Eve.  Don’t expect your half of the dorm room deposit back.

Lemini:  You will finish unwrapping gifts from your shopaholic mom sometime on Friday.

Cancer:  Relax.  Your girlfriend will never find out you cheated on her over Christmas break.  Every time she’s in a gangbang, it completely erases her memory.

Leo:  You’re not sure what you did on break, but there are a ton of used condoms in your wastepaper basket.

Virgo:  Your finally arrive in Times Square.  The ball has already dropped and everyone is gone, except Dick Clark, who is still slowly walking to his car.

Libra:  Your trash talk on Xbox Live bites you in the ass.  It turns out, that guy you’ve been calling the “N-word” has discovered that you live in his dorm.   He pays you a visit after football practice and beats the “S-word” out of you.

Scorpio:  You will find three candy bars in a bindle left behind by that hobo you fucked.

Sagittarius:  The stars say, get ready, because this is the year everything changes!  Nah, the stars just fuckin’ with ya.  It’s going to be a repeat of the 2010 shitfest.

Capricorn:  You plan to rob an IHOP goes awry when your accomplice fills his money bag with pancakes.  In his defense, you do have a delicious brunch before the cops arrive.

Aquarius:  Your New Year’s resolutions will be complete as you will bungee jump, skydive, climb a mountain and kick Mike Tyson in the balls.  Technically, you can’t write a book with all your bones broken, but you have the outline in your head.

Pisces:  Your attempt to return your Christmas gift goes awry when the tiger escapes and eats the mailman as he tries to carry the box back to his car.  Well, that’s what you get for buying off ebay.